Just a quick post today about something that has been really irking me lately: The irritating little messages on the inside of the Dove chocolates foil… Anyone else? It’s February, so I’m sure there are a number of bowls of chocolate sitting around (or at least there were a lot of bowls of chocolate sitting around)… and I hope I’m not the only one who is annoyed by the current printing of wrapper quips.

Not to sound too nostalgic, but I remember the “good old days” when they actually said sweet, insightful things, or maybe had famous quotes on love, or things of note from famous people (I’m not making this up, right? ). I think the hay day for this was my freshman year of college (2003) because it seemed like you couldn’t through a dorm without seeing at least 5 doors that had smoothed out pieces of candy wrapper foil stuck to the message board, or all around the message board, giving passersby little anecdotes and insights about some empowering thing. (again maybe I am making this up, but didn’t they used to be kind of like be your own woman, buy yourself chocolate, you are worth it, sort of self-help mantras? ) There is a good chance that maybe they were always a little cheesy, and maybe it is just me that has changed… I have a much lower tolerance for cheese (metaphorically speaking… I love the dairy kind), and am arguably romantically jaded (it comes from 5 years of coordinating weddings).  but it seems to me as though the quality of the messages contained by these little wrappers has significantly gone downhill.

I used to unwrap a piece of chocolate with anticipation, wondering what little gem of a quote or nugget of inspiration would be there lingering underneath the bite of dark chocolate… and now, without fail, every time I read one of the wrappers it makes me want to punch that chocolate right in the face. I’m a twenty-seven- year-old single woman at home with my dog on a Thursday afternoon, and my chocolate is telling me to “savor small romantic moments”. Barf. Thanks chocolate, but I didn’t really need that, how about you make yourself useful and stop offering advice about what I should be doing/ thinking. Or why not just say something more generic like “savor small moments.” Still a little barfy, but at least it can be applied to anything in life. Playing fetch with the dog, observing the blooming flowers in the backyard, sleeping in, that extra cup of coffee… I’m more than happy to think about these small moments… and I do indeed savor them… Get a clue, chocolate… not all of us need to savor the romantic moments, and you might be alienating some of your target demographic (single ladies eat chocolate too.)  As a small disclaimer here, I am not a disgruntled single woman… I’m perfectly ok with my relationship status, and overall very fulfilled with my life… but I’m still irritated at the cheeseball sayings… You want me to buy more chocolate… Put Quotes from Arrested Development on the inside of a candy wrapper, and I would eat a bag a day… (it could actually be a really good thing these chocolates piss me off as much as they do…) They were so much better when they were more like fortune cookies, offering you encouragement and making you feel empowered.  Remember when they offered up messages like “believe in yourself” or “Make the most of everyday” Sure… still a little cheesy, but so much better than “remember your first crush” or “Share a secret.”  At least “Make the most of everyday” is a mantra that might at least be worthy of posting on your dorm room door or bathroom mirror… but “Share a secret”  awesome suggestion chocolate… Thanks for that, how about you sit tight and shut up instead?

I know they are just stupid little chocolate wrappers, and the fact that I’ve written a ranting blog post about how irritated they make me probably wasn’t the best use of my time.  Furthermore, you would think that my self control would kick in and say “Tayler, you don’t have to read the annoying little message in the candy wrapper, just throw it away, you’ll save yourself some grief” but they are kind of like a train wreck… you pretty much have to read them! Every damn time I look at that dumb little saying, and every time my blood begins to boil just a little.  I know, I know, there are bigger problems in the world… there are bigger problems in my life… how pathetic is it that I allow a totally trivial thing like this to get under my skin? Perhaps I just need to stop eating chocolate… or at least invest in the kind that comes in little boxes, rather than the individually wrapped foils of cheese-bally doom. Or perhaps I just need to get a life, and get over it.