“I laugh at what I cannot change” -Dave Matthews Band
The universe has a wicked sense of humor… thankfully I do as well. It’s no secret I’ve spent the last few weeks (or better part of a month, whatever) doing a bit of wallowing… But there was starting to be light at the end of the tunnel, I was getting motivated, being less sad, less lonely ( well ok that it’s a blatant lie, but I’m trying to fake it) more motivated, and planning for my future. My main plan for getting past my breakup was going to be to throw myself 115% into my job, start planning new projects, re-organize a lot of things, open up lines of communication, and overall have a rockstar year. This wasn’t just plan A this was THE plan, the only plan… my glimpse of sanity was wrapped up almost entirely in this shiny beacon called going back to work.
So when I was let go this week rather unexpectedly, really all I could do was laugh. (ok, I also cried, but there was a bit of laughter as well). This is why you should always have a plan B. Remarkably I’m actually doing ok… yes, I’ve had overwhelming moments of sheer terror… Of course my car is way overdue for being serviced, of course my roommate is moving out at the end of the month, and let’s face it, I was stressed about my finances before all this happened… but I’m still trying to approach the situation with a sense of optimism… And I guess for now I will fake it until I make it.
Naturally I’ve had about a zillion hind-sight moments, what I could have done better at my job, what I could have done different in my relationship, what I shouldn’t have spent money on over the last few months… but that’s the thing about hindsight, it doesn’t really get you anywhere ,except for feeling shitty about yourself and the choices you have made. So I’m choosing to look forward, hopefully will learn from my mistakes… and embracing all of my past frivolous purchases, and looking forward to some extreme budgeting… (hey, at least I will look good as I fumble my way through unemployment… and there is something to be said for dressing for success).
About a million years ago, the guy I was dating broke up with me, and as he did he offered me this advice “don’t think about the what ifs, but think about what’s next” At the time, I thought it was pretty much a douche bag thing to say… (and let’s face it, when its coming from a 25 year old guy, it IS a douche bag thing) But now, 4+ years later, I’m kind of clinging to it as my new mantra… Because living in the past is easy… seeing your mistakes, wanting to re-live things, all the good and bad memories… its familiar, and easy… and totally delusional, but it can be comforting none-the-less. Especially since I’m realizing that a HUGE part of my identity was wrapped up in my job… I worked there for almost 5 years… and essentially became an adult at that place… and for the past several years I know that there is a good chance that I was somewhat stuck there… It was so much of who I was, that I was scared about what would happen if I left, and I often found myself saying “I love my job, I love where I live, I love my life… but I just wish I had someone to share all of that with”… And the truth of the matter is that when you are married to your job, and your job is at a lavender farm it’s not the best place to meet someone. (though I did actually meet someone at work… and it kinda sorta changed my life… but that is all a mute point now). Essentially, I’m realizing that it IS time for a change, it is time to get out of this comfort zone that I’ve built around myself, and it is time to start moving on… which isn’t always easy.
So here I am, throwing myself into the great unknown… telling myself to embrace the change… and it’s not even a little bit comfortable… but it also isn’t as terrifying as I thought it would be.
My gradschool application was turned in on time… I’m fairly certain my landlords (who also happen to be my parents) will not evict me if I cannot find a roommate right away/ temporarily slack on rent (they probably won’t let me go hungry either, right? Not that I have plans to take advantage of my family mind you) I’ve got connections, and some amazing friends… and in the moments when it all starts to feel a little overwhelming, I have the worlds snuggliest bulldog. He’s a little smelly, and it snores louder than any boyfriend I’ve ever had, but he pretty much loves me unconditionally, so I’ve got that going for me…