Category: Little Random Things

Seasonal shifts and new adventures ahead

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Let me just start by saying that I love this time of year so much. Ok, allergies suck, I’ll give you that, but pollen aside, everything else is just so full of potential. Things are changing, and there is no denying it. Plants are blossoming all over the place, day light is lingering a little bit more, once barren trees are starting to pop with buds, hidden bulbs are emerging. The energy of the season is palpable, and this time of year I always start to feel a little bit excited because THINGS ARE CHANGING! And this year I decided to make a change of my own along with the season.

 

A few weeks ago I was feeling a little crafty, and like I need to do something creative in my free time, so I threw together a vision board for the year. One section of the board reads “wonderfully unexpected” Lord knows I’m a planner, and I love my lists, and projects, but I cannot deny the allure of those whimsical moments that you never see coming. I can plan out life all I want to, and try to get organized, and then every now and again those unexpected moments and encounters blindside you, and sometimes it can be pretty amazing. (sometimes it takes the form of your dream car that was totally paid off being totaled on your way to work… unexpected yes, wonderfully unexpected, not so much… but you know… Life!) But I’ll take the bad moments with the good moments, because those random unexpected wonderful moments of surprise are the stuff that makes like interesting.

 

My vision board, and an amazing drawing of Toby on a white board that has been there for almost 2 years. Also a peanut butter cookie recipe.

My vision board, and an amazing drawing of Toby on a white board that has been there for almost 2 years. Also a peanut butter cookie recipe.

 

And just like that opportunity showed up with a glass of champagne and a job offer… And in 24 hours I had accepted the job, given notice, purchased a new car, paid my taxes… (let it be know that I also vacuumed the house… so really in 24 hours I pretty much met my quota of grown up decisions/ actions for the year. I mean, obviously I’ll keep vacuuming… that’s a weekly deal.)

 

Giving my notice was slightly bittersweet. I’m really excited about what I’m doing and where I’m going, and I know that without a doubt the decision was right for me and where I’m at. But I’m leaving behind some amazing co-workers… and lets face it I’m also leaving behind some amazing snacks. (goat cheese truffle balls I’ll miss you the most… oh wait, that’s a lie… because we all know the hot chocolate with Chantilly cream is really where my heart is….) Its kind of amazing to me how thick of a bond I have formed with my co-workers over the past year (and no I’m not referring to the Chantilly cream as a co-worker, I’m really talking about the people!) In the restaurant business you are pretty much in the trenches with these people day in and day out, and I’ll miss the daily repartee. But I know that I’m leaving on good terms, I know that I’ll probably help out a little bit this summer, and I know that regardless of where I am or what I’m doing that these people will always be a part of my family. (literally… one of my co-workers is my 3rd cousin.)

 

And looking back over the past year its really rewarding to be able to see the progress that I’ve made. I can leave feeling like I left the business better off than when I started there. I can see new product that I’m responsible for bringing in on the shelves… I’ve been able to witness the success of events I’ve planned from week to week, and I can see methods that I’ve suggested put into practice, and I can feel good about moving on. I certainly have mixed emotions about leaving the food and wine industry, but mostly I am excited about starting a new adventure. (because we all know I’m not really leaving the food and wine industry… professionally maybe, but these people will always be my people).

 

So here I am, heading out to a new adventure… living life and embracing the change of pace.

 

 

My week in photos

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You guys!  I didn’t blog last week, I know… because I was out living life. Sometimes you need to get out and actually do things so you have stuff to blog about. So I spent the hours I usually spend writing playing with my niece, having Portland adventures, frolicking in the yard, and planting flowers… because it seemed like a really good use of my time. And then I totaled my car… so needless to say the free time is now being spent with things like talking to my insurance, cleaning out my car, going car shopping, and overall being a giant ball of stress because pretty much the last thing that anyone wants to deal with ever is having their car totaled. BUT,  I’m ok, so you know…. it could be way worse. 

 

I didn’t write anything last week… or this week really… but instead here are a few photos from my adventures last week… I have a feeling that as the season starts to shift more into spring I am going to have a few less words and a few more photos to share.

 

Planted Ranunculus and Anemones outside my front door

Planted Ranunculus and Anemones outside my front door

 

JUICE! Had a great morning meeting with PJC

JUICE! Had a great morning meeting with PJC

 

Stopped into Sprinklefingers to stock up on all the Quin Candy Goodness

Stopped into Sprinklefingers to stock up on all the Quin Candy Goodness

 

After a day of adventures all I wanted were some salad rolls and Toby Time

After a day of adventures all I wanted were some salad rolls and Toby Time

 

Poor Buster.... I've been commuting to Dundee for 6 years and finally the traffic did me in.

Poor Buster…. I’ve been commuting to Dundee for 6 years and finally the traffic did me in.

 

 

 

 

Lucky Charms Ice Cream, Hints of Nostalgia, and Moments of Vulnerability

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Somewhere around this time last year I met a dear childhood friend for some ice cream in Portland. Specifically, the Pots of Gold and Rainbows flavor at Salt & Straw. For you Lucky Charms fans out there, March is a dream come true in Portland, because this flavor is like biting into nostalgia.

As a child, sugary cereal was not really a staple in our house. We were more of a Rice Crispy, Crunchy Oat Bran, Crispix kind of family…. On a very rare occasion Cinnamon Toast Crunch was thrown into the mix, but it wasn’t very often that anything resembling Lucky Charms made its way into the pantry. I vividly remember spending one day after breakfast in my play room under the stairs writing in my diary about how when I grew up I was going to let my kids eat sugary cereal… which now makes me laugh. A lot…  A) Who writes that kind of stuff in a diary?  B) lord knows if I even have kids I will not feed them sugary cereal because I cherish my own sanity too much… and because I will  probably hoard it all for myself …

Minus the dramatic journal entry, I don’t remember sugary cereal or lack thereof being a big deal, but maybe it was, because once when I was in middle school my grandmother got me a box of Lucky Charms for Christmas, and it was kind of amazing! I mean who doesn’t want their own special box of cereal? The next year I was so excited as I ripped open the cereal shaped box, only to discover instead of the treasured Lucky Charms, a box of Fruit Loops (gross), as my grandmother only remembered that I like the cereal in the red box. For the next several years, I always managed to get a box of Fruit Loops for Christmas….  It was an amazing gesture on her part, and of course no one had the heart to tell her that I actually hated Fruit Loops/ that she got the wrong sugar packed breakfast item.

Last year, as my friend and I  sat in Salt and Straw savoring the tiny marshmallow speckled ice cream, we reminisced about our childhood ( Once I went with her family down to Utah to go hiking and camping, and whatnot, and our back seat car snack was a box of  Lucky Charms. It. Was. Epic. In that on a trip without your own parents, pre-teen, indulging on sugared cereal kind of way).  We talked about the new job I had just started,  unemployment battles,  how sometimes being a grown up can really suck, being in debt, adventures we were planning, and of course about how amazing the ice cream was.

Flash forward almost a year. Last Saturday I’m sitting at work, on my break and talking to a co-worker about his new relationship. He had that excited smile, a slight wistfulness in his eyes as he was telling me about the last few days and dates with this girl. He then stopped and asked me what was new in my life, and with that same excited smile and wistful look I said “I’m going to get Lucky Charms Ice cream this week at Salt & Straw.”  His eye roll let me know how pathetic my news sounded compared to his, but whatever… I say relish the small things!

Monday rolled around and I was already planning out my ice cream route. I packed a cooler with ice,  went to do a barre workout, and then drove the rest of the way into Portland with the sole goal of  indulging in ice cream.  I was pretty much dressed like a yoga fisherwoman… bright red rain boots, brown yoga pants, my trusty Jacobsen Salt hoodie, black down vest… I hadn’t showered, no makeup, post workout hot-mess… and of course it was one of those weird in-between rain moments where the sun is shining and its all humid and warm, and you know the only reason the sun is out at all is because you are traipsing around town in your rain boots.

Arbequina olive oil ice cream, Lucky Charms Ice Cream, and a waffle cone

Arbequina olive oil ice cream, Lucky Charms Ice Cream, and a waffle cone

I purchased my ice cream, and sat down for a moments to savor the marshmallowy goodness (lets face it, I also got Arbequina Olive Oil Ice Cream… I can’t go to Salt & Straw and not get it… even now years later, I still have such a huge sense of ownership over it, remembering sitting down with them before they even had a shop, talking about the possibilities of making an olive oil flavor. Way back before it was a staple there, before Oprah named it as one of her favorite flavors, it was just me and my boss and the main ice cream guy sitting in a room with a bottle of olive oil, talking about potential.)  As I was enjoying the ice cream (which was naturally, extra delicious after a workout) I was catching up on social media, scanning my e-mails, and doing a little light reading. I took the opportunity to read a blog post by one of my super talented friends about being nostalgic for her life working at a nearby restaurant.  I finished my ice cream, loaded up my cooler with a few pints to take home, got into the driver seat of my car, and unexpectedly burst into tears.

It took me a moment to even wrap my head around the situation… where was this upwelling of emotion coming from? Why was I suddenly feeling this overwhelming sense of vulnerability?  And I realized that sitting in that particular ice cream shop thinking about my old job, my experiences over the past year, and reading that particular blog post had me feeling slightly nostalgic.  And the more I cried behind my sunglasses, the more I realized that I had actually been subconsciously prepping myself for a run-in with my ex boyfriend. This revelation hit me pretty hard. What? Where did that come from? And the longer I let that marinate, the more I realized that I wasn’t quite sure if I was crying from all the suppressed and sub-conscious emotion or if I was crying because I hadn’t actually run into him.  Ugh. Which of course just lead to me being really really angry with myself , and the countless of thoughts of  “but I’m over this!”  Overall, sitting in my car next to a cooler of  Lucky Charms ice cream with tears streaming down my face, and emotions welling up from a million different directions was not how I was picturing spending my Monday. And it felt a little pathetic.

And then I decided to give myself a break. Life is so full of unexpected moments, and some of them are amazing, and some of them leave you feeling like you got hit by a bus… but I am trying to embrace those moments of vulnerability, rather than putting up a wall and trying to dam up my feelings.  Because it wasn’t just one thing. It was remembering where I was a year ago, it was thinking about nasty unemployment hearings, and starting a new job, and being lonely, and filling emotional holes with ice cream. It was realizing that just last week my old boss invited me to sit down and have a glass of wine and wanted to catch up about my life. It was finally dealing with a volatile yoga client who made me feel un-safe, and standing up for myself at work, and hormones, and stress, and reading that blog and remembering that I actually met my friend and my ex at the same event, and being so thankful that I gained a friend from that situation,  and yes it was partially about him, and being two blocks away from his place, knowing that it was his day off, and that running into him on the street as I was dressed like a sweaty yoga fisherwoman was a real possibility. But it was also a accumulation of all the other things, And so I just let myself feel it. Being vulnerable is hard, and taking a moment to acknowledge your feelings and observe where they stem from isn’t always easy, but I think that so much personal growth, and other amazing things can stem from these moments.  Closing yourself off from vulnerability can mean closing yourself off from potential…And being nostalgic can be a good thing. It can be nice to remember things from your past, even if they aren’t things you are choosing for your future.

So I drove home, still feeling slightly ridiculous, but also feeling relieved. Relieved that I am the type of person who isn’t completely shut of from my emotions. Relieved that I can still be shaken by random moments of vulnerability, and that I can laugh at them afterwards, and really really relieved that Salt & Straw make pints of ice cream to go.

Pints to go

Pints to go

Pots of Gold and Rainbows

Pots of Gold and Rainbows

you win some you lose some.

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I started to panic a little bit today when I realized it’s Thursday and I don’t really have a ton of inspiration for a blog post… My other new years goals are hanging on by a thread… lets face it, a salad a day went out the window somewhere around Snowpocalypse, but my blogging aspirations have been holding on strong… Until now… I’m multitasking right now, coordinating some stuff at work, but not really working since its my day off, and overall I’m just feeling kind of meh.  I’m not exactly in a head space to write… which I guess one could argue is actually the best time to write, to work through the meh and find something inspiring… I was planning on writing about yoga, barre, fitness lifestyles, eating cake for breakfast, love handles, healthy snacking and body image… but I’m thinking maybe I will save all of that for a time when I’m feeling a little more like writing… But right now I think I just need to take a breath, gather my thoughts, drink a beer, and not worry so much about not writing. Sorry readers… this isn’t exciting, or inspiring, or funny… But there is always next week… or the chance that tomorrow my motivation will return. =)

Here is what I’m snarky about: single people who are snarky about Valentine’s Day.

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In case you forgot, this Friday is Friday.  Also it’s Valentine’s Day, which, actually I kind of did  forget until I saw a post for maple glazed bacon hearts on Pinterest.

Here is what is annoying about Valentine’s Day: All the people who hate Valentine’s Day. 

I mean, ok, I get it, I’m a single gal, doing my thing, and God knows I can be a little snarky from time to time, but for the love! What is with all the insecure people proclaiming that Valentine’s day is the absolute worst thing ever? News flash, I am also single on February 13th, and July 27th (well, I can’t predict the future, but you get the point) I don’t need an entire day designated to “single’s awareness” because, let’s face it, I’m aware of my single status pretty much all the time… I don’t need a day to revel in it.  Every day is Single’s Awareness day… I get up, I’m single, I brush my teeth, I’m still single. Making the French press coffee… yup, nothing has changed here. Go to work, samesies. See people I love, do things I’m passionate about… come home and snuggle the dog,  Single… My day-to-day life is stagnant with my singleness.  But it’s not like I’m getting up and proclaiming “It’s a new day. I’m still alone in this world. Woe is me. I’m now getting out of bed, and I’m still single. My like sucks. Everyone around me is holding hands and happy, Why? Universe Why?!?!”  And it’s not like I’m going to wake up on Friday and suddenly be more aware of the fact that I’m not celebrating with a significant other this year. Yes, I am a single lady, but just because that is an adjective that might be used to describe me  “oh yeah Tayler is fun, she teaches yoga, has a bulldog, is single.” it certainly isn’t a term that defines me, and it certainly doesn’t need to. Being single is part of my routine… just like getting dressed or watering my house plants… but it’s not WHO I am.  And quite frankly, I’m really annoyed with all the people who are spending the week leading up to February 14th moping around in a state of relationship status insecurity. If being single on Valentine’s day is your biggest problem, then you’ve got it made my friend.  Buy yourself some gumdrops and get over it. (I did actually buy myself  some amazing locally crafted gumdrops for Valentines day… I would highly recommend it.)

For me, Valentine’s Day is about wearing red lipstick, eating more chocolate than normal, and an excuse to do fun craft projects. What is not to love?

A few weeks ago I was unpacking a box of Valentines candy at works. Cute little pink boxes of assorted truffles with pigs dressed like Cupid, chocolates shaped like frogs,  little signs that say things like “You are the Shake to my Bake” and I was totally loving it. What’s not to love about little pink boxes? And I look over to see one of my  24 year old male co-workers totally moping around being like “ugh, Valentine’s Day again? I hate Valentine’s Day, it totally sucks when you are single.”  Me “Well what’s so bad about it?”  Him “well everyone is just in love, and all mushy, and it sucks being alone and reminded that you are alone…” Me, rolling my eyes “Um… its not that bad. I’ve been single for pretty much all of my Valentine’s days, its just a day… with adorable pink Cupid pig boxes!” turning back to the unpacking and getting excited to eat a frog shaped truffle. Meanwhile he exclaims “That is A LOT of Valentine’s Days to be single! I mean, A LOT!” Me “um yeah… I’m totally fine with it… OMG we got another I heart you more than pickles sign!” … It’s moment’s like that that I am reminded that a) 24 year old boys do not have life figured out even a little bit, and b) that there are a lot of people out there who are dreading this Friday… and I just don’t understand.

I mean, I get it in theory.  Being single isn’t always fun. I’ve had the nights where the loneliness feels like it is going to eat you alive, and its almost hard to breathe… it sucks. It really does.  But why is it worse on February 14th?  Maybe I was just programmed differently, or maybe I’m just jaded since I have been single for all 28 of my Valentine’s Days… I was homeschooled through elementary school so I never had the shoebox full of valentines, I never had to go through the agonizing of “Does the extra heart sticker on this valentine mean that he likes me, or did he just give me a valentines because he was required to give one to every single person in the class?”    Once in high school the foreign exchange student sent me and a few other single girls flowers on valentines day because he knew we wouldn’t get them from anyone else, and he was trying to be nice… and it WAS super nice, and we all appreciated it… But somehow along the way, the whole societal view of Valentine’s Day never really had an impact on my self worth… Thank god.

Because people go on dates all the time, they make romantic gestures all the time, they have totally over the top PDA 364 other days a year… so why does everyone get all bent out of shape when February rolls around? Do all the snarky single people just put blinders on until the end of January, and then suddenly start letting out all their snide comments and complaints about being alone when the heart decorations come out? And call me crazy, but am I the only one who lets out a tiny sigh of relief when I realize that I’m not obligated to celebrate Valentine’s Day with anyone?  I mean, think about it… You don’t have to stress about finding a gift (or getting the wrong gift, or forgetting to get a gift, or maybe getting a gift that doesn’t say what you mean) you don’t have to make reservations, you don’t have to feel guilty if you have to work, you don’t feel guilty if you volunteer to work,  you get to eat more of the chocolate… its kind of a win win.

And when did Valentine’s Day become this black and white thing where you have the lovey dovey ooey gooey jewelry buying consumer driven love birds on one side, and the totally snarky, love hating insecure single people on the other side? Please follow me over to the happy grey area of “I’m single, and fine with it,  lets celebrate with bacon hearts and quirky cards, red and pink outfits and heart nail decals”

Sure… the holiday can get a little cheesy… There are the constant clichés and the people who love them, and frankly, it does get a little annoying to be around people who feel like they need to broadcast their romantic gestures to the world… especially when they are unimaginative and generic… I mean come on. I know there are the girls out there who love their long stemmed roses, boxes of chocolate, fancy dinners, jewelry etc. And sure, I probably wouldn’t go so far as to cause a scene if someone chose me as his valentine and presented me with long stemmed roses and a heart shaped box of chocolates, BUT I might seriously have doubts about his creativity and how well he knew me. (FOR REALS, if my future boyfriend ever proposes on valentines day, I will make him read this blog post, and then maybe beat him over the head with the long stemmed roses, and say  “You should F’ing know me better than this! All I wanted was a terrarium and a quirky letterpress card! Try again tomorrow  when this will not be a gag reflex cliché!”   Ok… maybe I won’t say all those things, but I will indeed think them loudly in my head… and maybe say them. Fella’s don’t propose on Valentine’s Day. Just don’t. Trust me, it’s not what we want.)

But what we do want is this ridiculously adorable card, and maybe some pickled beets to go with it...

But what we do want is this ridiculously adorable card, and maybe some pickled beets to go with it…

Don’t get me wrong, I like going out to fancy dinners, and dressing up, and valentine’s candy, as much as the next girl, and seeing all that kind of stuff doesn’t get me bent out of shape…But at this point in my life the idea of going out for a “romantic” dinner with the 8 million other people who are celebrating  sounds a little bit exhausting. You know what is romantic? Take out. Not being around hundreds of people and stressing about reservations. Amazingly quirky greeting cards. Having someone clean your kitchen.  Lingerie is fun, Champagne is great, and I like chocolate quite a bit… but when did unimaginative become romantic?  Why not just grab a greeting card that says “lets celebrate our unique love story the same way everyone else on the planet does.”

All that being said, here are a few of the great things I’ve found that I love about V-day.   Go out, be happy, make a heart wreath , embrace the grey area of the holiday, and don’t let the snarky single people or the overly gross couples get you down!

2014 NPR Valentines

2014 NPR Valentines

Huffington Post: 21 Awkward Valentine's Day Cards

Huffington Post: 21 Awkward Valentine’s Day Cards

2013 NPR Valentines

2013 NPR Valentines

Maybe the vest vintage valentine of all time.

Maybe the vest vintage valentine of all time.

2012 NPR Valentines

2012 NPR Valentines

SomebodyLovedShop

SomebodyLovedShop

Marisa Seguin Arrested Development Valentines.

Marisa Seguin Arrested Development Valentines.

DIY rustic heart wreath in 10 easy steps

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This time last year I was newly unemployed, and there was a lot of extra free time for things like cooking, yard work, and some amazing craft projects (of course there were other moments filled with resume tweaking, job searching, panic, anxiety, and lots and lots of yoga)   After trimming most of the fruit trees in my yard, I was looking for something creative to do with the branches… I made a few arrangements, gave some away to people to use in weddings, and then finally settled into making these super simple heart wreaths.

With Valentines day right around the corner, and tree trimming season in full swing, it’s the perfect time to have a crafternoon and make a rustic heart wreath or two. Last year I handed these out as my valentines, and this year I’m actually selling them at Red Hills Market in Dundee. If you don’t feel like making one yourself, you know where to go.

rustic heart duo

rustic heart duo

 Rustic Home Made Heart Wreath in 10 Easy Steps.

What you will need:

  • Twine wrapped wire
  • Floral wire
  • Hot glue gun/ hot glue
  • Spanish moss
  • Approximately 6 branches/twigs
  • Wire cutters
  • Optional: brown floral tape

phonto

I recommend using fresh cuttings as they tend to be a little more bendy/ pliable. However, trimmed branches that are left out in the elements/ rain for a few days will probably work just as well. This year I’ve been using apple and Red Twig Dogwood.  Other suggestions would be cherry, plumb, crab apple or forsythia.

Prep.  Take a handful of reindeer moss out of the package and place it in a bowl.  Lay out branches in a neat pile.  Turn on some music, and if you are over 21, pour yourself a glass of wine.  Crafting is so much better with a glass of wine.

Step 1) Decide what size wreath you want to make.  (this may depend on the size of your cuttings etc.)   Cut the twine wrapped wire to desired size and make a circle, wrapping the ends together.

photo-14

Step 2) Form the wire circle into a heart shape (does not have to be exactly the shape you want the wreath, its just a guideline)   Then measure the distance between the dip of the heart and the bottom point of the heart.  Cut another piece of the twine wrapped wire and anchor the dip and the point together.   *This step is actually pretty important, because the branches have a lot of spring to them, and without the anchoring of the two points, the branches will start to pull the wreath back into a circle.

photo-16

Step 3) take the floral wire, and one of the branches, and start wrapping the wire around the branch, attaching the base of the branch to the base of the heart frame.  Make 4-6 loops (this depends on how thick of a branch or twig you are using… it doesn’t need to be perfectly secure, as we will reinforce a little later with hot glue) Cut the wire, and smooth the edges down as much as possible. You will be working on one side of the wreath with this branch, and then starting to build the second side with the next branch.

attaching the branch to the frame

attaching the branch to the frame

Step 4) Repeat step 3 higher up on the frame, securing the branch to the heart frame fairly close to where the frame begins to curve.

Step 5) being to bend the branch to make a half heart. At this point the branch doesn’t need to follow the lay-out of the heart frame. Secure the branch to the frame close to the dip of the top of the heart. And once more on the center anchoring wire close to the base of the heart.  (Since you need the anchoring wire, I like to make the branches come all the way through the middle of the heart)

photo-15

Step 6) Repeat steps 3-5 on the second side.  Keep in mind, you will be covering the wire with moss when the wreath is finished. You should decide if you want the mossy patches to be symmetrical from side to side or if you want them to be a little more random. This will dictate where on the wreath you secure the branches to the frame.

Step 7) Take the next branch and begin to repeat steps 3-5 on the first side. Trying to wrap the wire in the same places on each side. This will get a little bulky as you keep adding branches, but keep wrapping and pulling the wire tight to secure the branches. Repeat on the second side.

Step 8) Keep repeating until the wreath has reached the desired size.  I recommend using 3 branches on each side, but this depends on the side and width of the branches, how big the wreath is, and the effect you are going for.  After you have finished assembling the wreath, plug in the hot glue gun.

terrible shadow... oops

terrible shadow… oops

Step 9 ) If you would like to further camouflage the floral wire, you can wrap the wired sections of the wreath with brown floral tape.  This step is optional.

Step 10)  Take the hot glue gun, and begin attaching small clumps of moss to hide the wire.  The glue will also help reinforce the wire and keep everything  together. A little moss goes a long way, and since the Spanish moss is fairly long, you can let some of it dangle, or even weave some of the moss up the branches.  Start by hiding the wire on the front and side of the wreath, and if so desired you can also put moss on the back side of the wreath. If you used the floral tape, this probably isn’t necessary.

photo-11

Voila! You now have a rustic heart wreath, and its pretty charming.  And now you probably want to make at least seven more because you realized how easy it was, and how stinking cute they actually are.   Hang one on your front door, in your kitchen, on your back porch, give one to a friend, give five to different friends, or maybe even sell them on ETSY, because earlier when I was trying to figure out how much to sell them for I did a search for comparable items, and apparently no one is actually making  rustic heart wreaths these days. You are welcome.

photo-8

Words and Intentions for 2014

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Three weeks into January and my resolutions are still going strong (I know, I know, anyone can do anything for three weeks) I will admit, I have yet to see a nutria, and I’m taking some creative licensing with what defines a salad…

While I was sitting down typing out my resolutions it seems like everyone else was out there picking a few key words and intentions they wanted to focus on in 2014. Resolutions are out, intentions are in, and though I try not to be a jump-on-the-bandwagon type of person,  I do kind of like this idea.

As a writer, words are a pretty big part of my life, and I like the idea of choosing a few words help to define my intentions for this year. This also got me thinking about words I might use to describe myself, and words that people I know might use to describe me… its funny how you can have what you think is a 100% clear view of yourself, and then you ask others to describe you and they see something completely different.

Sometimes it is fun to try on other people’s view of you, to try and see what they see, and it can be really empowering and uplifting… other times it just makes you feel  totally mis-understood, and like you have failed at building  your own brand (or at least failed at  communicating it…) but a lot of that depends on how well people know you, and the context of relationships.  I know that I am an introvert, and at times I can be quiet and reserved… but I also know that my inner dialog is pretty quick witted, very sarcastic, and sometimes snarky… Therefore, I perceive myself as vibrant, confident, and secure person… but I’m pretty sure a lot of people view me as this quiet, demure, ball of awkwardness….  In reality, I’m probably somewhere in-between.  (and I’m pretty ok with that.)

As I began to make a short list of words I wanted to focus on this year, I started to think a little bit about my own personal brand.  What are some key words that I want people to use to describe me? What are some of my assets that go un-noticed? How can I adjust my focus this year to  help myself stand out for the right reasons? How can I start to  “re-brand “myself so that what I see, and what other people see are the same thing?  I’m not trying to be self-involved here… I’m a little nervous is it going to come off that way… I’m 100% confident with who I am, and I am not the type of person who goes around fretting about what other people think of me… truly.  This is not me saying that I’m trying to change for other people, or that I want to change who I am… more so just that I’m figuring out some characteristics that I already have that I’m ready to take off the back burner.  I think a little energy, and a little intention can go a long way, and when you are taking the time and investing in yourself, its only a matter of time before other people notice that shift in energy.  I like to call it the “je ne sais quoi” factor… and I’m excited to head into the next 11 months with an open mind and a whole lot of intention.

 

Words for 2014

Words for 2014

 

My words for 2014

 

Welcoming 2014 with open arms and a few goals

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Happy New Year from Us to You.

Happy New Year from Us to You.

Le sigh…. I spent a good 90 minutes typing up a blog post two days ago with the intention of having time to edit it and post it fresh for the new year…. Turns out my computer hates me and randomly closed the window without saving it…. Grumble grumble piece of turd computer.

The gist of it was this: I usually kinda sorta hate the idea of New Years Resolutions, and yet seem to always make them anyway. Sometimes they stick, sometimes they don’t, but mostly that is ok, because sometimes you just need a moment to re-focus your energy, even if it is only for the first month and a half of the year. This year, I have every intention of sticking with my resolutions, but if for some reason, life happens, and things get in the way, I’m not going to let myself feel bad about it.

Basically I’ve been feeling a little stagnant over the past few months… my motivation seems to be shot, and I’ve been letting myself just sort of glide by… no real projects, no real goals… which is fine for a brief  time, but I’m finally getting restless and feeling like I’m ready to head into 2014 with a super charged sense of motivation. In short, I’m not 100% fulfilled by my job, but on the bright side I am 110% passionate about where I work, so even though my hours have been cut back, and my day to day isn’t as meaningful as it could be, I’m perfectly content to stay where I am, at a place that I love, and am planning on filling the extra hours of my day with more meaningful projects. If I’m not working full time there is no reason why my free time shouldn’t be filled with things that make me tick…. Of course, I’ve crossed paths with that feeling of utter panic when people start to ask you where you see yourself in five years.  If you say you don’t know, it makes you sound totally unmotivated, but then you start to think about where you are and what you are doing and realize that this isn’t going to cut it five years from now, and you are trapped somewhere in between knowing you want more, but not having a clue about what to do about it, and instead of actually addressing these angst producing issues, you just repress everything, and ignore your future , and try to make the stress go away by curling up in a corner and chewing on your hair…. (side note: I don’t actually chew on my hair… but I think the image conjures up the correct amount of anxiety.)   Anyway… I’m not ready to quit my job and do something drastic in the pursuit of passion… I’m much to practical, and my credit card bill is too high. But I am indeed ready to buckle down, find my motivation and utilize my free time to it’s fullest potential. I’m vowing that 2014 will be the year that I spend trying to figure out exactly what my passion is, and hopefully a few other fun things along the way. For example, I’m going to start teaching barre classes this year. I don’t exactly know when, or where for that matter (I’ve been promised there is a studio on its way!) I’ve never really thought that being a fitness instructor was in my future/ even something that I was passionate about, but as it turns out, I really really love taking barre classes, and I think that teaching them will actually be a lot of fun… here is to 2014 and trying new things…

As far as resolutions go, I think its best to put them out there in the open. I know some people write them down, stick them in a safe place, and then return to them a year later, half forgetting what was written down… I’m all for tradition, but for me, Resolutions are a little bit about intention, and a lot about accountability. Putting something out into the universe is swell, but putting something out into the universe and then asking people to keep you on track is even better.

 2014 “projects”/ “Resolutions”/ “goals”/ whatever you want to call them.

—     Putting myself out there.  This is something I majorly need to work on. The fact of the matter is that I’m an introvert. Classic IMFJ personality here, and though I really like being social, I’m not always the best at meeting new people.  There was an article this year in the Huffington Post that was all about introverts, and as I was reading it all I could think was “I need to keep a copy of this to give to future employers and suitors” because I often worry that my introverted personality is misunderstood… I tend to just sit on the sidelines and watch people interact, and to be perfectly honest, I find it so informative. I know some people probably think that I’m totally uninterested, and socially awkward (which sometimes I might be) but mostly, I’m observing relationships, watching interactions, forming opinions etc. etc… also, I work in a fast paced, customer service driven job, and so most of my work day is spend being “on”. At the end of the day all I want is to be home, glass of wine in hand re-charging…. I think this is one of the reasons why the idea of dating is so daunting. I like meeting new people, I really do… but really, I’d much rather just skip all the small talk and be in a comfortable relationship where we can curl up in our sweats and watch Mad Men and eat take out. I realize this is kind of putting the cart before the horse, and also this is not how the world works.  I know that I have to suck it up, put on my happy face, and get to know new people. I need to actually work at it, and get out of my comfort zone. I need to put myself out there in 2014. Wish me luck (I’m totally going speed dating.)

—     Blogging once a week. This is going to be tough, I know it already. I can feel the excuses starting to creep up (was this one of my resolutions last year? It feels familiar, but I’m too scared/ lazy to look up posts from last year… perhaps I failed…)  But, the bottom line is that I have the time, I just have to actually make the time… and ask any writer ever, and they pretty much all say that if you are going to write, you need to be writing often and much, even if it is terrible. Sometimes you just have to keep writing, and keep writing, and keep writing through the bad stuff until a little tiny nugget of something that doesn’t suck comes out, and then you hold onto that, and nurture it, and tweak it, and maybe, just maybe it turns into an idea, a train of thought, a glimmering of something… so really, the least I can do is make myself sit down, and write/ put something out there once a week. I don’t have a writing group, so you all get to be my peers. It might be jumbled some days, and others it might just be pictures of my bulldog… but I’m going to try, and see what comes of it.

—      Writing more letters/ keeping an address book. I absolutely suck at keeping track of addresses. Every time I send out a holiday card, or need to send someone a birthday card or invitation, I have to send out massive text messages, or chain emails, begging and pleading for people to send me their addresses.  I can practically feel the eye rolls that are accompanied by the “I STILL live at…”  Don’t get me wrong, I could drive to most of these houses blindfolded, but when it comes to addressing an envelope… I’m half tempted to just write things like “Abe & Jason, the apartment above the Starbucks on 23rd & Overton, the one with the mint on the balcony.” (I think it would totally get there…)  Anyway, I actually purchased an address book (ok its just a notebook that I’m going to keep addresses in, because all the address books at my local book store were sort of dull) and I have collected everyone from my Christmas card list, and am vowing here and now to keep track of addresses, and also send more notes in the mail.

The Art Deco notebook on top is my new address book.

The Art Deco notebook on top is my new address book.

—     Eat a salad every day. I am pretty good at this normally… but also I work at a restaurant where sometimes all I want to eat is gluten free cheese pizza with duck confit and peach chutney.  And gluten free pizza with duck confit and peach chutney almost always sounds better than a salad…. But I’m pretty good with tangible goals… and I’m also pretty excited to see how many different salad combinations I can come up with. I of course reserve the right to not eat salads on days that I’m doing a juice cleanse (and I also reserve the right to maybe sometimes eat salads on the days that I’m doing a juice cleanse).

—     Speaking of Juice… Use my juicer so many times! I actually already use it quite a bit, but I want to make sure I use it enough to justify the investment. Viva la juice. The next cleanse starts on January 6th. Be on the lookout for lots and lots of juice photos.

Juicing my way into 2014

Juicing my way into 2014

—     Paint my fingernails more often (ok wait… I know this was actually a resolution from last year, spoken or not… (I did ok, but I could have done better) Mostly, I’m a jeans and tee shirts kind of gal, but there is just something about having my nails painted that makes me feel like I absolutely have my life together and am a fancy lady. It’s complete bullshit, but sometimes you just need that little extra boost of fancy! Of course with my job, one hour in the dish pit, and any manicure will be totally ruined, but a girl can still attempt to be polished every now and then!

—     See a Nutria in real life: Remember in 2009 when there was that story on Wait Wait Don’t Tell me about a woman suing Walmart because she was attacked by a Nutria? (if you don’t, you should listen to it now… it was clearly quite memorable. Its on May 16th, 2009 in the “Bluff the Listener” section. Also,  you should just Google Norman the Nutria, you know, for fun.) Ever since then, I’ve had a mild fascination with them… and have yet to see one in real life! My parents see them all the time on their morning walks…(do you know how many early morning texts I’ve gotten with pictures of baby Nutria? At least two…) I was discussing this very thing with my friend Janet the other day, and she decided that I should make 2014 the year I see a Nutria. The good news is that I know where to find some real life Nutria in their wild habitat, so if I don’t happen to stumble across one on my morning run, or while shopping for toilet paper at some big box store, I will know where to go looking for them next December when my deadline is approaching, and I’m starting to think of new resolutions.

—     No beer in January:  Full disclosure, I’ve gained a little weight over the past month. It doesn’t bother me, but it also doesn’t delight me. And I like beer, but I don’t LOVE beer, and I think that If I’m going to be pumping my body full of empty calories, I would rather pump it full of wine or hot chocolate, or gumdrops. So I’m cutting out beer for a bit, and seeing what happens. I blame the 24 year old boys that I work with who drink beer after beer every night, and who subconsciously peer pressure me into drinking with them… like I said, beer is ok, but its not something that I ever really crave, so this month I’m going to do without it.

I’m also going to work on keeping my house clean and organized, spending more time reading, and work on seeing the glass as half full.   (ARE YOU F’ING KIDDING ME….. I just found the blog post I thought was lost forever… it essentially says all the same things I say here… maybe I will just post them both and you can judge for yourself.)  Of course there are other things I plan on doing this year… but as we head into 2014, I think its good to start with a small list (and I think these are all totally attainable and maintainable things) and go from there. Wishing all of you a marvelous year, and the best of luck with your intentions, goals, resolutions etc.

At least I will be a good tipper.

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Sitting here tonight I realized today was my last full day off before Christmas. It’s not a huge deal, all my holiday shopping is completed, everything is in the mail, the laundry is folded all the major priorities are taken care of… But I’m sitting here, feeling a little restless, so rather than getting sucked into Mad Men on Netflix, I’m here, blogging.  I can’t help the cliché, but this time of year I always start to reflect. What did I do this year? What did I learn? How did I grow? How am I different?

So there is this woman who comes into work all the time who drives me absolutely insane. I have a little bit of guilt about this actually for multiple reasons, and every time I contemplate how irritated she makes me, I feel like the biggest bitch in the universe… because really, she is lonely. I know this, I know this is why she comes in every day, why she talks everyone’s ear off about her work projects, how the lasagna in our deli case is just too rich for her, how she has tried to make replicate our quinoa salad a million times, how she used to sleep with her bike next to her bed so she could sleep with her hand clutched around it, about how impressive the symposium she just hosted was. Once she asked me what shade of lipstick I was wearing, and then literally came in a few hours later wearing the exact same shade and then started to refer to is as “our lipstick” And it shouldn’t bother me. I should be a bigger person. I should just embrace the fact that it makes her day when she comes in, when one of us asks about her day. And most of the time I do, but there are some moments when I see her walk through the door, and the other employees and I glance at each other, and we silently and quickly figure out who has has the most coffee, who is the least irritable, and who will be the one to interact with her that that particular moment. But really, the icing on the cake is in the ten months I’ve been working there and in her almost daily visits she has never tipped once. Not once. Ok, its bitchy of me… but you go to a place, every day, sometimes multiple times a day, you get all the free refills, you make sure you include us personally in your life, that we know every detail, that you share every story, and we smile and we listen (ok, some of us go home and write about it on our blogs) but for the love… throw in your change every now and then.

I get the being lonely part… mostly.  I’m a total introvert, so I don’t always understand the whole forcing of small talk thing… I love interacting with people, but only to a certain point. Ask anyone who knows me, and they will tell you, I’m quiet, guarded even, and sure, I’ve got a blog, and I’m rambling on about my personal life, but that is not something that I tend to do face to face. I would never stroll into my neighborhood coffee shop and unload on the barista about how rough of a day I was having. I might think it, I might sit quietly in the corner sipping my Americano, and would probably divulge a little information, a brief insight to a passerby who might ask how I was doing… but I would never come in with a sense of entitlement and just completely unload… but give me twenty years and we’ll see where I am… I know one of the reasons why I’m so annoyed with her is because deep down, I have this fear that someday that is going to be me.

About six months ago,  I jokingly told my brother that his first born was going to end up taking care of me. Naturally in my mind, its more like the situation from Little Women… without me being old and kinda crazy. I will be the fun aunt, and we will run off to Europe, and we will read, and eat and drink and live, and I will not be the annoying woman with the tendency to undert-tip and over-share. I will be the mysterious American woman who keeps to her self, I will have a certain je nais se quoi about me. Done and done. Contingency plan, check.  But one thing I’ve realized is that over this past year, my fear of being alone has started to dwindle…

Looking back on this year, its been a little rough in patches. I lost one job, I lost someone close to me, I’ve struggled trying to find what I’m passionate about, I’ve lost motivation, but one insight that I’ve gained is that heart gripping fear of spending my life alone is not quite as scary as it used to be.

In 2013 I went on approximately 1 date. It was actually a pretty decent date, as far as first dates go, but it was with a person who was just so incredibly wrong for me. He was 24, and here is the thing about 24 year old men… rather, 24 year old boys. The age difference is too much. I say this to my friends in relationships, and they all vehemently insist that I’m full of it (its because they aren’t out there dating 24 year olds, so they will never really understand.)  I just finished reading Wild a few days ago, and I felt so vindicated, because there is a part of the book where Cheryl Strayed is talking about being a 27 year old women and how at that age , age really does matter. “It was an absurd crush, I knew. He was four years younger than me, and we were at an age when those nearly four years mattered, the gap between what he had done and what I had done was large enough that I was more like a big sister than I was someone who should be thinking about being alone with him in his tent—so I didn’t think about it” Yes, vindication. Thank you Cheryl for getting it, and for writing about it in your best selling book.

Sure, I feel a little hypocritical talking about age being an issue, since I am in fact 15 years younger than my ex boyfriend. Here I am saying that 4 years younger than me is too young, and yet sitting there at the table across from the one date of 2013, I was looking at where I had been, and not where I was heading… I suppose then I have to let go of all resentment being told on one occasion or another that I was too young for someone  (though I still maintain that I am an old soul, and will probably end up with a man who is older than me…  its just a gut feeling… if you have been on a date, or even in the same room with a 24 year old man/boy lately you will understand where I’m coming from.) The guy really was very sweet, and he actually came into work the other day with a very young looking hipster girl on his arm… because at the end of the day if it isn’t right it isn’t right. Which is the main thing I’m taking about of 2013. Though I certainly don’t have a full repertoire of dating experience from this year, I have gained a lot of insight from watching other people in relationships. And I won’t pretend to be an expert, and I certainly won’t be the one to judge, because I know that all relationships are hard at times, and require a lot of work , commitment and compromise. But this year as I have embraced my choice of not settling, of not choosing to be with the wrong person, I’ve become acutely aware of all the people around me who have settled in relationships, who have jumped in an compromised maybe too much, and my heart goes out to those people. I’m not sure I’m able to convey this properly, because again, I’m not coming from a place of judgment, and really as an outsider I know I don’t always see the whole picture, or know the full context of situations. Love is a complex thing, and I admire the people who are stumbling through it on a daily basis.  For me being single isn’t necessarily a choice, but I do feel empowered knowing that by being alone I am choosing to not be with a person who isn’t right for me. (is that a double negative? It doesn’t sound quite right, but its late…)

But going back to my reflection, I’m still figuring out how this year has shaped me, and what sort of path that will lead me on in 2014. But mostly I have realized that I’m no longer afraid of being lonely. I still have a lot of fears (hello I practically have a nervous breakdown every time I get a paycheck, and then look at my credit card bill) I still have a lot of uncertainty… and there are nights when the loneliness still haunts me. When it’s actually a physical ache in my person… but it is also somehow remarkably ok. Over the past year I have been able to branch out and cultivate some new friendships that I’m forever grateful for.  Hello, I actually sent out all of the holiday cards that I ordered, a first for me.  And it might not be much, but its nice to know that even if I spend the rest of my life deciding not to settle, I’m still going to have some of these amazing people to go through life with. These amazing people who embrace my neurosis (or at least tolerate them quite well) call my bulldog nephew. And at the end of the day, at the end of this year, I can at least take a little comfort knowing that if I do end up becoming an entitled single women who comes into coffee shops and lipstick stalks the employees, at least I will be a really good tipper.

Gardening instincts, SAD, and finding my motivation.

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These last few days have been beautiful in Oregon. I typically don’t miss the Montana weather (its currently blizzarding and 2 degrees in my home town. No joke. There is a live webcam…) But these last two days the sun has been shining, the sky is blue, and I keep having a twinge of nostalgia for the clear crisp winter days… the blizzards not so much. I crave snow about once a year… one weekend is the perfect amount. Preferably around Christmas, anything over that just seems excessive.

 So yeah, I don’t miss the snow, but I would definitely take a few more crisp sunny days. Don’t get me wrong. I adore the dreariness of Oregon winters. I crave it a little bit, actually. The cozy foggy mornings that just beg you to snuggle in with a good book and a cup of tea. The bright green grass contrasting the dark charcoal sky. The drizzling rain… It soothes my soul, which is probably why I moved to Oregon in the first place. But every now and again, a little bit of Seasonal Affective Disorder sneaks its way in, and I’m left feeling a little blasé this time of year.  Thankfully, I have a happy lamp, which typically does the trick, even though it is a little ridiculous.

When my parents first made the move to Oregon the weather transition was a little rough on them. My mom’s doctor suggested a light supplement, and as it turns out they were selling them at Costco. Score. After about two weeks though, my dad had deemed the Happy Lamp the “unhappy lamp” because its actually a bit abrasive. After a bit of complaining, the light made its way over to my place, and mostly I used it for my house plants, but every so often I pull it out for personal use. I usually just place it in the bathroom, getting my extra dose of light as I get ready for the day, which is a win-win, as it turns out my bathroom doesn’t have the best lighting.  

 Anyway, the last few weeks I’ve been feeling rather unmotivated. I’m not depressed per say, I’m exercising, eating well, getting myself out there, and even meditating… but all that aside, I just haven’t been terribly motivated to work on the things that make me, me. I haven’t been blogging, I haven’t really been working on anything creative, my house is a bit of a disaster, I haven’t been cooking… I’ve kind of just been coasting aimlessly, not feeling passionate about anything.  And overall, I think that is allowed, and I haven’t even been overly concerned about it… until Today I realized how elated I was that the sun was shining. Hello productiveness! Hello  goals. Hello achievements (mental note: add vitamin D to my vitamin regimen stat. This sun can’t last forever) 

Thankfully, this motivation came on my day off (isn’t it the worst when you get super motivated, and you realize that if you actually stop to clean the bathroom you will be 20 minutes late to work? This happens to me often).  So I took the motivation, I took the sense of purpose, I took the energy from the sun, and put on some garden gloves. I’ve pretty much been avoiding putting my garden to bed for the winter like the plague.  I do this every year, and then make it so much harder for myself each spring… Mostly I got a little too excited about my garden this year, and then didn’t have a ton of time to do anything with it, so the idea of cleaning it out was a little daunting. I started the project a few weeks ago, but still had some beds that needed clearing.  Today was the perfect day…. And then I kept going. I clean out the tomato beds, I pruned the raspberries, I did a little weeding, trimmed back the mint, and even swept my patio. I would have gone so far as to pick up dog poop, only my super duper pooper scooper broke into a million pieces after 1 scoop. Tragedy. I’ll deal with that later.

 BUT one thing I did observe in this midst of this yard project was how happy it made me. Working in my garden, and growing my own food brings me epic amounts of joy, and even though this is the not fun part of gardening, I still found myself getting excited by the pruning. Mostly I have no idea what I’m doing… last year was a huge pruning experiment, and it seemed to mostly work, and so I decided to forge ahead with false confidence… only once I got going I realized that it was all pretty instinctual. I imagine this is sort of how first time parents feel. “I have no idea what I’m doing, but this feels like the right thing.” Granted, I am not a parent, and don’t have plans to become a parent, but it seems like its kind of the same thing.  There I was, in the raspberry patch, and I could just look at the branches and say “this one won’t produce next year, it’s a goner!” and I really did have every confidence that I was right (talk to me next June, and lets see if I have any raspberries). Once I cut about five branches, I started to notice that each of the branches I was eliminating was tied to the trellis with a green twist tie. I haven’t had time to confer with my father (who tamed the raspberries this spring) but it almost felt like a road map. “These are the ones that are producing now, and won’t do anything next year”  at least that is what I kept telling myself. It might just be a grand coincidence that every branch that was tied up was one I was getting rid of…. I’ll have to confer with Mike.

Who knows how long it will last, and what the rest of the winter will bring, but two days of sunshine, and I’m feeling more like myself. I’m feeling like I’m ready to tackle more projects, and ready to get more back into the things that make me feel like me.  We will see how long it lasts… Hopefully a while!