Category: Little Random Things

Here’s what bugs me: When my chocolate tries to tell me what to do…

Leave a comment

Just a quick post today about something that has been really irking me lately: The irritating little messages on the inside of the Dove chocolates foil… Anyone else? It’s February, so I’m sure there are a number of bowls of chocolate sitting around (or at least there were a lot of bowls of chocolate sitting around)… and I hope I’m not the only one who is annoyed by the current printing of wrapper quips.

Not to sound too nostalgic, but I remember the “good old days” when they actually said sweet, insightful things, or maybe had famous quotes on love, or things of note from famous people (I’m not making this up, right? ). I think the hay day for this was my freshman year of college (2003) because it seemed like you couldn’t through a dorm without seeing at least 5 doors that had smoothed out pieces of candy wrapper foil stuck to the message board, or all around the message board, giving passersby little anecdotes and insights about some empowering thing. (again maybe I am making this up, but didn’t they used to be kind of like be your own woman, buy yourself chocolate, you are worth it, sort of self-help mantras? ) There is a good chance that maybe they were always a little cheesy, and maybe it is just me that has changed… I have a much lower tolerance for cheese (metaphorically speaking… I love the dairy kind), and am arguably romantically jaded (it comes from 5 years of coordinating weddings).  but it seems to me as though the quality of the messages contained by these little wrappers has significantly gone downhill.

I used to unwrap a piece of chocolate with anticipation, wondering what little gem of a quote or nugget of inspiration would be there lingering underneath the bite of dark chocolate… and now, without fail, every time I read one of the wrappers it makes me want to punch that chocolate right in the face. I’m a twenty-seven- year-old single woman at home with my dog on a Thursday afternoon, and my chocolate is telling me to “savor small romantic moments”. Barf. Thanks chocolate, but I didn’t really need that, how about you make yourself useful and stop offering advice about what I should be doing/ thinking. Or why not just say something more generic like “savor small moments.” Still a little barfy, but at least it can be applied to anything in life. Playing fetch with the dog, observing the blooming flowers in the backyard, sleeping in, that extra cup of coffee… I’m more than happy to think about these small moments… and I do indeed savor them… Get a clue, chocolate… not all of us need to savor the romantic moments, and you might be alienating some of your target demographic (single ladies eat chocolate too.)  As a small disclaimer here, I am not a disgruntled single woman… I’m perfectly ok with my relationship status, and overall very fulfilled with my life… but I’m still irritated at the cheeseball sayings… You want me to buy more chocolate… Put Quotes from Arrested Development on the inside of a candy wrapper, and I would eat a bag a day… (it could actually be a really good thing these chocolates piss me off as much as they do…) They were so much better when they were more like fortune cookies, offering you encouragement and making you feel empowered.  Remember when they offered up messages like “believe in yourself” or “Make the most of everyday” Sure… still a little cheesy, but so much better than “remember your first crush” or “Share a secret.”  At least “Make the most of everyday” is a mantra that might at least be worthy of posting on your dorm room door or bathroom mirror… but “Share a secret”  awesome suggestion chocolate… Thanks for that, how about you sit tight and shut up instead?

photo(103)

I know they are just stupid little chocolate wrappers, and the fact that I’ve written a ranting blog post about how irritated they make me probably wasn’t the best use of my time.  Furthermore, you would think that my self control would kick in and say “Tayler, you don’t have to read the annoying little message in the candy wrapper, just throw it away, you’ll save yourself some grief” but they are kind of like a train wreck… you pretty much have to read them! Every damn time I look at that dumb little saying, and every time my blood begins to boil just a little.  I know, I know, there are bigger problems in the world… there are bigger problems in my life… how pathetic is it that I allow a totally trivial thing like this to get under my skin? Perhaps I just need to stop eating chocolate… or at least invest in the kind that comes in little boxes, rather than the individually wrapped foils of cheese-bally doom. Or perhaps I just need to get a life, and get over it.

 

 

Jumping on the Coconut Oil Bandwagon:

4 Comments

About a week ago I jumped on the coconut oil bandwagon. My roommate used to have coconut oil in the house all the time for cooking purposes, but for the past several years I have been all about the EVOO (extra virgin olive oil) and I use it in pretty much everything so I never gave much thought to other vegetable and nut oils. It was olive oil, or nothing. But it seems like everyone I know is posting things on pinterest about the benefits of coconut oil, or 101 uses for the stuff, and some of it actually sounds pretty interesting.

One of the great things about having more free time, is being able to follow up on whims and projects… I hopped in my car and headed to Trader Joes for a few random groceries, and of course some in-expensive coconut oil.

And here I am, a week later, kind of obsessed with the stuff… I’m using it in cooking, on my face, even for the dog. Here are a few of my top uses for coconut oil.

First and foremost, I purchased coconut oil so I could begin oil pulling. It is rooted in Ayurvedic tradition (something that fascinates me) and I had been wanting to try it for a long time. Essentially you swish vegetable oil in your mouth for 15-20 minutes, and it starts to stimulate the mucus membranes, and is a great way to detoxify the body.  I suffer from chronic tonsillitis, and every time I get sick, it manifests in my tonsils, so really anything that would help pull toxins from the body and give my tonsils a break sounded like something worth a try. Even if detoxification wasn’t in the mix, pulling is thought to help whiten teeth, improve gum health and help with bad breath. (who doesn’t want all of those things?) I’m an avid coffee drinker, and lately I’ve also been drinking a lot of green tea (supposedly as staining to your teeth as coffee) so whitening seems like an added bonus.  Supposedly, pulling also helps with migraines, skin ailments, joint pain, fatigue, and so and so forth.  The thing that makes the most sense to me, is that our mouths are filled with bacteria, and the mouth is the gateway to a lot of other systems in the body (plaque in the mouth is the same plaque that causes heart issues etc.) Starting to detoxify the body, even if it is just the mouth seems like it would naturally have a lot of health benefits… right? So I decided to try it, and I’m kind of obsessed.    You can use any type of vegetable oil, but when I tried using olive oil, I found it was too spicy, and was hard to keep the oil in my mouth for an extended period of time. ( I think sesame oil is also recommended, but also kind of gross). I like using coconut oil because the flavor is really mild. At first 15-20 minutes seemed like a REALLY long time, but being an infamous multi-tasker, I just decided to “pull” while I was in the shower and getting ready for the day, and the 15-20 minutes go by a lot faster than you think.  You don’t need very much oil (a very small spoonful, the coconut oil will melt in your mouth) and you do not want to swallow the oil as it will be loaded with bacteria.  After the time is up, spit the oil in the toilet or, as I do, into a  plastic cup.  (I suppose you could spit in the sink, but I used to work at an olive oil tasting room, and I’ve seen what excess olive oil can do a septic system… I’m inclined to think that coconut oil wouldn’t be that different… I plan on pouring my cup of coconut oil  out in some back corner of the yard…)   I’ve been pulling  for a week, and I’m still going strong. My mouth feels healthier, and I’ve noticed my tongue looks a lot cleaner… my skin is also looking great, but that could be the fact that I’m also putting coconut oil on my face.  Really, I want someone else that I know to try this, and then we can compare notes…

As a moisturizer:  I will admit, I was skeptical to start putting oil on my face. My entire life I’ve had combination skin, so I’ve been walking that fine line between excessively oily, excessively dry, or that weird shiny but flaky look that plagues us combination skin types.  Haven’t people been telling us our whole lives that its all the excess oil that is trapping the skin cells on our face and causing clogged pores? Well, after doing a little research, it made a lot of sense to me that trying to remove excess oil from your face with cleansers actually makes your body produce more oil, since your skin is trying to compensate. This leaves skin not only parched, but then saturated with extra oil… great… good to know I’ve just been exacerbating the problem for years.  I’m not a science minded lady, but it does makes sense to me that like dissolves like, so why we expect that washing our face with water would help get rid of oil is a mystery. But perhaps adding oil to oil… now we are getting somewhere… Putting “clean” oil on your face helps dissolve the “bad” oil and can help remove any build up in your pores… So not only have I started using coconut oil as a moisturizer, but I’ve also adopted the OCM (Oil Cleaning Method) and have started using oil to wash my face.

At first I was a little terrified… but when I saw how great my skin looked after the first “wash” I was sold… granted it has only been a week, and I reserve the right to change my mind at any time during this experiment, but for the time being, I’m sold. My skin has a healthy glow (and not the oily kind), and my pores appear way smaller… all I have to say to that is Halleluiah! I’ve always been a little self-conscious about my pores… ask me one thing I could change about my body, and I don’t even think about the cellulite or the shape of my thighs…(I mean I do a little, but when it comes to my body, I always figure if I REALLY wanted to make a change, I would work a little harder, exercise a little more… overall I’m happy with my shape…)  if I could change one thing about my body I would have smaller less visible pores… who knew that all it would take would be adding some oil to my skin? Currently I’m actually using a blend of caster oil and olive oil to “wash” my face, and am then finishing up by putting coconut oil around my eyes and on any dry areas. This post is getting a little long, so I won’t go into full detail, but I found the instructions on the Full Moxie, and she has some great explanations, and links to other blogs to get you started.  My only suggestion would be that, you should in fact use a hot wash-cloth over your face afterward to help open up the pores and remove the excess oil, otherwise it can be a little challenging/ a little messy to try and wash off in the sink. The only downside of this whole method is that I’m having to wash my hand towels more frequently (so maybe it’s actually a good thing).

     In food/cooking: I’ve only tried using coconut oil in a few culinary endeavors, but after reading about the health benefits, I’m excited to start using it more. Its supposed to be great for the Thyroid, good for boosting the metabolism, good for the immune system, good for your skin, good for reducing stress, good for your bones, etc. etc.  I’ve been adding a spoonful to my green smoothies in the morning, and it definitely enhances the flavor. Don’t get me wrong, I actually don’t mind the taste of green smoothies… but every now and then, they are just a little too green (I blame the raw kale) but the coconut oil adds a subtle flavor boost.  I also added a bit of coconut oil to my quinoa the other day (I usually make a large batch of quinoa at the beginning of the week, and then re-heat and enhance as necessary for a quick meal.) I usually re-heat the quinoa in a pan on the stove, so I tossed a little coconut oil in, and it was delicious.  I’ve also been using coconut oil to make popcorn… (its especially good if you are wanting a little bit of sweetness).

     For the Dog: Toby, like me, has rather sensitive skin… I used to put olive oil in his food to help with his skin and fur…  But, being a bit of an olive oil snob, it was getting a little pricey to be adding good olive oil to his food (he’s like my kid… but I don’t think he really appreciates the nuances of the flavor of the koroneki olive oil… and I’m on a tight budget) but over the past few days I have been mixing a little coconut oil in with his meals.   I’ve also been using coconut oil to soothe this dry nose, and have been putting a small amount into his nose rope. Those of you with bulldogs know that they are prone to yeast infections in their face rolls, and cleaning out his wrinkles is a daily grooming ritual. Coconut oil is supposed to have antimicrobial properties, and said to be good for treating yeast infections… (though I might just let the dog try that one out)  The coconut oil hasn’t completely alleviated his yeast problems, but it has definitely slowed down the growth rate, and over all his snout seems healthier and happier.

     On my hair: I’ve been growing out my hair for what seems like forever, and I’ve been doing occasional hot oil treatments to help stimulate my scalp and hair growth.  Yesterday I used coconut oil on my scalp and hair as a moisturizing treatment. Today my hair feels great, but I will say it looked a little greasy yesterday even after I washed it.  As a disclaimer, I have never been the kind of girl who can pull off shampooing every other day. I know it is supposed to be better for your hair, and I’m sure that if I actually toughed it out and got through the initial week of greasiness, I would really love the results… but I’m just not that girl. Its fine when I’m camping… but back here in the real world, I like to wash my hair…  I remember being a little girl sitting at the dinner table and my mom looking at me and suggesting that maybe I should wash my hair twice the next time I showered… she wasn’t trying to be mean, I know it was coming from a place of “I don’t want my kid to be the greasy un-bathed child on the playground” but I think it has lead to a life-long insecurity about having greasy hair.  (sorry mom, I don’t hold it against you) Not to mention the fact that pretty much every morning when I wake up, I look like the cross between Tarzan and a rat terrier. I shower every day… and I wash my hair everyday… call it my fatal flaw.  I’ve always been jealous of the women who could go for days without washing their hair (I have always had these types of women for roommates… and I’m full of envy). I’m getting a little off-topic I know… but what I’m getting at, is that the coconut oil left my hair looking a little greasier than I would have liked… but, I still think using it as a hair treatment is a great idea, but maybe I’ll just do it on the weekends.

Ok, this post is getting long, and I don’t want to bore you with my new found love of coconut oil. Just a quick list of a few of the other things I’ve been using it for

-to protect and moisturize my tattoo

-as a lip balm

-on my eczema patches (with mixed results)

-on my cuticles

Budget ramblings from a poor and happy writer type.

Leave a comment

“In those days, there was no money to buy books.”
― Ernest Hemingway, A Moveable Feast

 

I have always been able to live within my means… sometimes more comfortably than others…Budgeting has always been somewhat of a creative endeavor, and sometimes I have been better at it than others. As I’m unemployed at the moment, I’m definitely trying to reign in my spending, and prioritize my purchases… and as with everything, I have good days and bad days.

Being unemployed has had a few unforeseen budgetary side effects. Obviously, I’m trying to cut a lot of corners, and  though I’m not going out and spending a lot of money, I am now spending a lot more time at home, and with that I’m noticing a much higher heating and electricity bill. I’m torn… should I be going to bed earlier so I use less lighting? Using more blankets? Lighting more candles? Would I actually be better off spending a few bucks on a small cup of coffee and sitting in a café afternoon with my laptop?  It’s hard to say…

When it comes to finances, I think a lot of people in my generation are used to treading water. Sometimes doing really well with their heads way above pool level, and other times floundering. In the past I’ve been really good at saving money, but to some degree I save money for the same reason I exercise… so I can enjoy indulging a little bit without feeling guilty. Thinking back on some big purchases over the past few years, I’m sure they weren’t always the smartest financial choices… (Bulldogs are not cheap, and neither are their medical bills!) But there is something to be said for fulfilling a dream, and I definitely would not trade in Toby for more money in the bank. I seem to be living in the cycle when I do great at saving money… and then of course life happens, and my car insurance is due, I go to the dentist, take Toby to the Vet, get my hair cut, and visit the gynecologist all within 2 weeks of each other, and the cushion gets depleted, little by little, and built back up again little by little.

Maybe someday I will have a job where I’m making more money than I know what to do with… maybe someday I will be able to think seriously about saving for retirement, and planning for investing in my future…But is it bad that I’ve never really dreamed of that? I know you need to be able to work towards a dream… but being a Creative Writing Major, I don’t think I ever had the dreams of making copious amounts of money…  at least I’m not disillusioned… and I don’t think I’m “settling” either… I just think I’m realistic… and I think there is something that is just a little bit enchanting about the idea of living within your means. Was it just me, or was anyone else excited to be out of college, and be somewhat dirt poor living in a shoebox apartment, eating raman noodles? Wasn’t that what we were supposed to be doing, at least for a while until we figured our lives out? And those years right out of school were some of the happiest I’ve ever had… Then again, I realize that my whimsical writer dreams aren’t always on-par with the rest of society, but  mostly when I think about my 20s, I always go back to that quote from A Moveable Feast  where Hemingway says “We ate well and cheaply and drank well and cheaply and slept well and warm together and loved each other.”  And maybe I need to have bigger dreams… but living well and cheaply being in love sounds like a pretty amazing way to go through life.  And if I could somehow attach my current yard to my tiny-loft apartment, I would go back in a heartbeat!

Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be in a situation where I’m not living paycheck to paycheck, where I don’t have to worry about how many times I go out to eat during the week, and how much money I’m spending on gas… But I’m also really proud of the fact that I am totally able to live within my means, and able to budget, and have the ability to make good financial choices on a daily basis… and I’m really happy doing it!

Sometimes this involves saying “no” and sometimes it means being a little anti-social… but mostly it just means getting a little creative. I was supposed to drive to Portland yesterday and go to the ballet with some friends… we were going to wait in line for “pay-your-age” tickets, which would have been a great deal, and overall something I actually could have afforded… but I made the choice to instead stay home, and spent the money on electric toothbrush heads…it was at this moment, that I felt really boring, and maybe a little too adult… but hey, cleaner teeth/ better oral hygiene is future money saved on dentist bills, right?

Though I have always been fairly good at budgeting, my dad always says that I have champagne taste on a beer budget, and he is kind of right. My biggest indulgences when it comes to spending are usually food and wine related… (and books… I love buying books… I’m trying to be better at the library… key word trying… but I also passionately believe in small independent bookstores, and I think they are really struggling right now…. So though buying books might not always be the BEST financial decision for my personal situation, books are ALWAYS a guilt free purchase.)  This goes back to the eating and drinking well thing… I started working in the Oregon wine industry when I was 21 years old… meaning that my fairly inexperienced palate quickly developed a taste for fine wine… and along with that came fine food… because, let’s face it, they go hand in hand. I wouldn’t say that I am a wine snob… more so I have wine/food snob tendencies. Over the past several years I have really developed an appreciation for good wine, and a healthy appetite for good food. It’s all but unavoidable when you are in the industry…(it also helps when you are dating a chef)  because everyone around you is drinking good wine and eating good food, everyone around you is talking about good wine and good food… it becomes a lifestyle, the universe is kind of wrapped up in good wine and good food… and with that comes good coffee…  And there are worse lifestyles to have… but there are also cheaper lifestyles to have.  Hence the champagne taste on a beer budget…  And yes, my wine/food snobby tendencies haven’t completely turned me over to the dark side. I still eat an occasional packet of Top Raman, and I have been known to keep a box or two of macaroni and cheese in my pantry for emergency dinner situations. I shop at bargain grocery stores most of the time, and make a few special trips for Organic Kale, and specialty cheeses… because life without at least a little indulgence is just too dull, but I am being a lot better about eating in!

So I’m not buying books, and I’m cutting back on designer coffee, I’m wearing a few more layers, and trying to drive a little less. It’s not the perfect budgeting strategy, (and yes, I still desperately need to find a roommate), but it’s something.

What I like most about running, and a tangent about make-up

1 Comment

One of the things I love most about running is the healthy afterglow that takes over your face. Sure I love the exercise part, and the whole mental clarity thing is an added bonus for me right now, but I really really enjoy that perfect post run flush of color.  Especially this time of year when us Oregonian women need as much color as we can get. (this past week aside, since we are in the midst of that perfect week in February where there is actually a promise of spring and blue sky. It’s the savior week that gives us a glimpse of the hopeful season ahead, and makes the gloomy days of January, and the looming rainy days of March & April totally worth it). You’d think makeup companies would capitalize on this, I mean Nars has their best-selling shade “Orgasm” why not create a blush called “Runners High”?  I get the whole sex appeal thing, I’m guilty of it too, I have more makeup with somewhat scandalous names than practical ones (because who doesn’t need an eye shadow in the shade of Sex Kitten?) but somewhere out there are the women who would totally grab a compact full of that perfect color, and I am one of them.

Photo from Sephora.com

Nars Blush in Orgasm Photo courtesy of Sephora.com

I love wearing lipstick, and have more makeup floating around in my bathroom than a sorority house, but I think there is a time and a place for every look, and as of late, my life isn’t exactly conducive to copious amounts of makeup. We’ve all seen those women, the kind that put on mascara before heading to the gym at 7AM… and to each her own. Who am I to judge? If you need mascara before leaving the house, then by all means, but that is SO not me. I’m hard pressed to even slap on under eye concealer before heading out to a 10AM yoga class, let alone a full blown lashes affront before coffee. It’s just not my style… (though maybe I should make more of an effort to not look like a dead yoga teacher, even when I’m just heading off to take a class, and not actually teach. It’s a fine line, dressing for success and all, but also there is a huge authenticity issue. If I went to a 5:30 AM class and the teacher was wearing makeup, I would probably have to fight the urge to punch her in the face… and yes, that might just be the early morning, pre-coffee me talking… and no I don’t teach 5:30 AM classes, so I’m hopeful that if I show up to my morning class my students are not in fact judging me if I have managed to get my life together and actually throw on some foundation and blush) I think it is really freeing to not feel tied down by makeup… and I know so many beautiful women who make a point of not wearing makeup at all.  I was actually shocked the other day when I friend of mine showed some hesitation about leaving her makeup at the place we were getting ready before going out dancing. She didn’t want to come back and get it in the morning, because she didn’t want to brave public transportation without makeup. It was such a good reminder about how big of a crutch it can sometimes be… Who knows, maybe I should be more like this friend… I cannot tell you how many times I have run out for a quick errand looking a little disheveled (it doesn’t help that these no-makeup circumstances are usually accompanied by frumpy work-out clothes, and somewhat questionable hair situations) and run into several people that I know… Which is my own high risk behavior… it’s a small community, of course I’m going to run into someone I know! Do I care? Not usually… but again, maybe I should start caring, as networking needs to be a higher priority on my life list.

And then there is the a makeup conundrum I’ve been having lately. I am by no means a high maintenance kind of girl, I fully believe in the practicality of a five-minute face, and typically when it comes to the everyday I’m into less is more. Again, I think there is a time and a place for heavy makeup, and I also believe that some women can pull it off flawlessly and not look ridiculous. Most days I try for a more subtle look. And in theory this is great, I’ve got my routine down, and I leave the house looking fresh faced, bright eyed, and am not feeling weighed down by too much makeup. But lately I have been hitting that 3 hour wall, where I look into the mirror, and it is like all the makeup has evaporated from my face. How/ why does this happen? I could understand if I was out working up a sweat, but most days I’ll be at a desk or working retail for a few hours, and then I look in the mirror and my face it completely void of color. Suddenly I start to resemble Leo McGarry post heart attack on The West Wing… And it’s not like I’m wearing cheap makeup… this is the whole reason one invests in the mineral foundations, and the blush with sexy names… when I put on my make-up I expect it to stay on, and I don’t think this is that unrealistic.

Of course it doesn’t help matters that when I actually spackle on make-up for a night out it will stay flawlessly until the next morning. How is it that I can have the perfect amount of makeup on my face, and it won’t stay for 3 hours, but when I am arguably wearing too much makeup, it can survive dancing, sweating, drinking, and 8 hours of sleeping, and still be perfectly in place? Someone explain that to me.  And why can’t I have it both ways? Why can’t I have my cake and eat it too… (maybe I can… when it comes to me and make up, there is a very good chance that I’m just doing it wrong… but I like to pretend that I know what I’m doing…)

In the end I’m sure it doesn’t matter…I’m still not going to put on my full face before running out the door to a yoga class, and I’m still going to somewhat awed when I wake up after a night out and my lipstick is still perfectly pouty. I will probably still shake my fist at the mirror later today when my blush/bronzer has magically evaporated, and I will still think fondly back to this morning when I came bursting in the front door after my run, and my cheeks were perfectly flushed. Seriously, will someone please create this blush color?

Turning Point (not to be confused with the ballet movie from the late 70’s)

Leave a comment

Finally, I’ve reached the turning point. The point I always knew I would reach, the point that everyone has been telling me to get to for the last month or so. The point where I’m finally done mourning the loss of my job, (and the relationship) and I’m finally realizing that having free time at this moment in my life is actually a huge gift.

I knew I would get here eventually, but like every journey, it isn’t really something you can rush. I needed a little time to process, to hang out in the void, to wear a lot of yoga clothes and sit on my couch… and frankly, I think that is healthy. I think it is good to mentally take a step back from where you were, and take some time to really figure out where you want to go… and it takes some of us longer than others… Honestly, I’m still not entirely sure of the where part… but I’m finally not terrified of exploring that.

A few weeks ago, when my lack of a job was still very raw, someone asked me “If you could picture the perfect job for you, and the most ideal situation, what would that look like?” and I panicked… I mean almost completely shut down panicked, because I realized that I had no idea. Like, not even a little bit of an idea, and it’s a pretty scary thing when you realize that you can’t even imagine what you want your future to look like. (I’m 27… I should have some grasp, right?) I’ve always believed in the 6 month plan… 6 months is manageable, 6 months is safe, and at the end of 6 months you can reevaluate, and tweak and reorganize as necessary. And I’ve been living on this 6 month plan for almost 6 years. I take a beat, I reevaluate… and most every 6 months I decide that things are going pretty swell, and I don’t veer too far of the path I’m already on. That is until last October… that is when I changed everything…  Suddenly I had new goals, new dreams, and a new plan… and it didn’t even remotely resemble my old plan. It was fresh and exciting… and the really scary thing is that it felt 100% right. But life kept happening, and plans changed again, and suddenly I was back where I was… and it felt a little forced, and boring, and even a bit frustrating, but hey at least it was safe. It was money in the bank, it was familiar, and there is something to be said for settling back into a routine.  Well the universe once again had other plans, so there I was staring change in the face, and fighting it kicking and screaming… (and crying, there was a lot of crying) So I took a few weeks, I readjusted, I mourned, I settled into the fear… and tried to get a grip.

Through all this I felt a little pathetic. I mean I have a tattoo on my foot that is supposed to be inspiring me every day to live the life I want to live, to follow my passions… and for a really really long time, people would see this tattoo and ask me “so what is the answer for you? What do you want to do with your one wild and precious life?”  And the answer was always the same “get a bulldog, name him Toby, write something amazing, be happy” So what are you supposed to do when you are heartbroken and out of work, and you realize that you already have a dog named Toby, and you are trying to write, and have been mostly happy, and that it’s not quite enough? Furthermore, what do you do when you realize that the one thing you actually want to do more than anything else you’ve ever wanted to do is no longer an option? I’m all for wishing, and setting goals, and visualizing what you want, but at some point you just have to let it go.  You have to realize that the person you want to spend your life with doesn’t want to spend his life with you; it’s probably prudent to get a new dream. Which is easier said than done. (and then you also have all the girly baggage of realizing that if this person doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with you, he isn’t worth your time… but you can’t get over it just like that, so it just makes you feel bad about yourself, and like you aren’t empowering yourself, and that you are in fact pathetic for still being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back… trust me, being a woman, and being in your head is a dangerous dangerous thing… then add to it the extra free time, and the not having a job thing… and I’m actually amazed it has only taken me a month to start snapping out of things… )   Most mornings I would wake up, and it would take just about everything in me to try to focus on other things. My morning mantra became “find a new dream, move on.” And I’m still working on it…

But Friday morning, it finally hit me… You know like when you are running about 20 minutes late for work and you suddenly get inspired to bleach all the grout in the shower and deep clean every room in the house? That is what it was like. I was getting ready to head to the unemployment office for my mandatory visit, and suddenly all I wanted to do was get my life in order. It’s not like I had an epiphany or anything, I’m a practical person, and I did in fact realize that I should be working on something productive with all of my free time (and several of you have been hinting at this for quite a while) but it finally all clicked together somewhere in my psyche. What better time to actually completely the millions of projects I have to do around my house? What better time to get serious about writing? What better time to be creative?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I have completely stopped working on myself over the past month. In fact that opposite is true… sure, I’ve been a sad moping version of myself, but I’ve also been exercising a lot, taking vitamins, drinking more water… I might have had a grey cloud following me around, but at least I was being physically healthy… and now it’s time to work on the mental stuff.  I’m still definitely in a transitional period in my life. Fingers crossed I will hear something about graduate school by Friday ( at least about my application to the Peer Mentor Program, which will at least be some sort of news!), but in the meantime I’m working on all the projects I’ve been putting off.

I’m writing more. Because I have the luxury of time. And it’s not always good, and it’s mostly quite rambly (current post included) but it is writing none-the-less. Ask any writer, and I guarantee he/she will tell you the importance of writing every single day… making sure you carve out time, and write just for the sake of writing… so I’m writing. And I’m reading more, and I’m looking for creative outlets. I’m trying new recipes, getting ready to start collaging, I’m making lists of house hold projects, (I think it is finally time to paint the kitchen cabinets!)  and I’m starting to do some deep cleaning and purging.  I’m taking this time off, and I’m going to make the most of it.  I actually cleaned off my desk today, and got my home office set up and ready to go. I updated my chalkboard calendar, and sucked it up and erased the corny little heart he drew around the day we met. I’m ready to be inspired, and have a clean and cheerful place to settle into! (I even burned some sage).  I really want to grow my blog, expand my readership, and hopefully start submitting pieces elsewhere.  (this is the part where I shamelessly ask you to share my blog with others, like the facebook page, and send me good thoughts and positive writing vibes.)

photo(100)

I share an office with Toby… he doesn’t spend a lot of time in his crate (mostly for sleeping and time outs) but he was hiding from the vacuum…

photo(99)

The corny heart. I didn’t keep it for sentimental reasons, I really just hadn’t updated my master calendar since September… shows you how much time I have been spending at my desk.

photo(101)

Clean Desk, Fresh Calendar, Can’t Lose.

I’m also going to be following another passion of mine…Several months ago, after a particularly great day of teaching yoga, I had a moment when I thought “wouldn’t it be great if I could just teach yoga, and be a stay at home dog mom, and work on my writing?” Of course I promptly filed that thought under “yeah, wouldn’t that be a nice pipe dream” and let it go… and now I’m pulling it back out re-filing under “holy-s*%$, this is my reality!”  I have no idea if I can make a living off of teaching yoga… but what better time to try? I’ll be getting unemployment to supplement things, and I have time, actual time to devote to planning classes, recruiting students, and cultivating a dedicated and meaningful practice in this community, and it’s something that I am actually epically excited about. Especially at this time in my life when I’m feeling so off kilter, and like I’ve lost part of my identity. I’ve always felt that I am the best version of myself when practicing yoga… and it’s time to get back to that self.  For the rest of the month I’m experimenting with becoming a “full time” yoga teacher at 4 elements yoga.  I’m going to be teaching Power & Hatha Yoga on Monday mornings, two Hatha classes on Wednesdays and I’m also going to be subbing for Slow Burn Vinyasa, and Back & Shoulder care yoga for a few weeks.

Sure, they are all baby steps, but baby steps in the right direction.

Clean Sheet Night: The most wonderful of wonderful things.

Leave a comment

Right now I’m celebrating the most wonderful of wonderful things: Clean sheet night. Of all the little pleasures in life, I think this one is by far my favorite… I love the clean linen smell, and the fresh crispness as you climb into bed… like your bed is giving you this fresh hug. All the corners are tucked in, the blankets are in the perfect place…everything is as it should be.

Yes, clean sheet night is the best… but getting to clean sheet night never goes as smoothly as I would hope. You’d think it would be simple. Strip the bed, wash the sheets, put them back on, go about your day, and anticipate that sweet sweet moment when you get to take off your socks, pants, clothes, whatever it is you take off before you crawl into bed. Somehow, in spite of my best efforts and intentions this is never how my sheet washing day unfolds.

Of course it doesn’t help that right now I only own one pair of sheets… (ok this is a lie, I own two… one extra special flannel pair, that are my all time favorite sheets, and have been since I was 16, and they are starting to get a little thread bare, so rather than put them into rotation, they live in my memory, and also under my bed… they are chartreuse flannel and have brightly colored snails on them… They. Are. Amazing… but they have not been put on my bed in years.) So rather than pulling the sheets off the bed & immediately remaking it, I am forced to wait the laundry cycle.

This usually happens on days when I’m getting a lot of things done and feeling really motivated. I’m making lists, I’m running errands, I’m cleaning things, I’m on a roll, and oh why not just wash the sheets real quick! This usually happens at some point during the day when there is sunlight streaming in my bedroom window, and it feels like the happiest place in the house and I have this moment of “oh you know what would be the best thing ever? If tonight was clean sheet night!” So I bundle everything up, put it in the washing machine, and them leave my room for the rest of the day and promptly forget about the next steps.

I’m not entirely sure how it is possible… I have great follow-through when it comes to a lot of things… but re-making my bed in a timely fashion is not one of them… Its like the sheets go in the washer and are immediately dismissed from my memory until that really unfortunate moment, usually really late at night when I finally decide I’m exhausted and need to crawl into bed in 30 seconds or less or something really bad will happen to my mind and or body, and I stumble back into the once sunshine filled room to discover a mound of pillows and blankets and things in disarray. Foiled, yet again.

Today was exactly that day. I had lists, I was motivated, there was sunshine, it was going to be an epic day. I walked the dog, put him to bed, gathered my glass of water and my laptop, and trudged off to the bedroom to tuck myself in for the night… I got to my room, big sigh, put down the computer and the water, and went out to the garage, where I had at least remembered to put the sheets into the dryer…

Back when I lived by myself, I had a few nights of utter weakness, when faced with the task of making the bed, or sleeping immediately, I took refuge on the couch. Normally I would not condone such behavior, (I mean I’m not that lazy!) but with the size of my old bedroom my bed had to be pushed up with one side entirely against a wall… which meant making the bed was actually a challenge. It always ended up being this awkward balancing body flailing thing where I had to lay my entire body out across the bed to try and tuck the sheets into the appropriate corners, and then do this sort of rolling maneuver to get my person out of the way of the sheet and where it needed to be… It was like a bed making obstacle course… and most nights I was up for the challenge… but there were a few late nights when I came home from work, and of course had forgotten the bed was unmade, and I would spend a few moments standing in the middle of the room with a look of disbelief and a posture of defeat, and then slump towards the living room dragging a blanket behind me.

Thankfully tonight isn’t one of those nights. I’m happily tucked in between the sheets, swishing my toes back and forth, relishing the fact that tonight is my favorite night. Tonight is clean sheet night.

Little Things

Leave a comment

I’m kind of a pessimist… I really don’t mean to be, but when things get rough I tend to be more of a glass half full kind of person… I’m trying to work on this, because I know that no one wants to hang out with the Debbie Downer… and I know that it tends to bring people around me down as well… It’s a little funny actually, because one of my fatal flaws is that I want to believe the best about people… I always give the benefit of the doubt, I make excuses for people, I think that everyone out there has good intentions…even when people are being jerks I tend to give them an out and day “oh well so and so has this happening in their life right now, so he/she has every right to act that way.”  But I’m pretty sure sometimes people are just jerks… I’m also pretty sure that even though I’m going through a bit of a rough time right now, I don’t want to be pessimistic Debbie downer jerk face who brings everyone around her down… so I’m trying to focus on the little joys in my life.

Someone I once knew told me that when you ask the universe for something you also need to put out there what you are thankful for… (I’m pretty sure he got this from The Secret… which I haven’t read or watched… but it seems like a reasonable thing) and he used to think about what he was thankful for while he was washing his hair. Shortly after he told me this, I started to as well… and it was a little generic, but a step in the right direction. “I’m thankful for my family, I’m thankful for my job, I’m thankful I have this person in my life, I’m thankful for my friends, that I have a place to live”etc.  and it was a brief little morning reminder that life was good.

Weeks went on, and when this person was no longer in my life I switched to “I’m thankful for my family, I’m thankful for my job, I’m thankful that I met this person, even though things feel shitty right now, I’m thankful for my friends, that I have a place to live, I’m thankful for my bulldog…” etc.

A week ago I got into the shower, and had a fleeting thought that if things kept up the way they were I was going to find myself with a very short list… and so I started trying to focus on the smaller things that I was thankful for, rather than the big picture things. I’m still thankful for my family, my friends, that I have a place to live, for the trundly bulldog who recently barfed up a chunk of one of my shoes and a Christmas ornament…  But my challenge to myself is to find the little everyday things that I am thankful for.

Today and everyday I’m thankful for my yoga students. Even on the days when I feel like I don’t have it in me to teach, they show up with joy, and thankfulness, and no matter what I have going on mentally or emotionally, they are always happy to see me and share a practice with me. They make me feel needed and appreciated (especially now, when I need to feel needed and appreciated) I have so much gratitude for them…

photo(95)

I am thankful that the Winter Daphne right off my back patio is about to start blooming…

photo(94)

I am thankful that I have people in my life who meet me at sports bars to drink wine, and who bring my charming little crocs of homemade peanut butter

photo(96)

And I’m extremely thankful that my troll of a dog slept on the couch for six hours yesterday without doing anything bad or eating anything of my roommates while I was out teaching yoga, and networking. (Victory!) I’d be more thankful if he vacuumed the house while I was gone… but  still thankful that I didn’t come home to some sort of messy destroyed carnage of furniture and chewed up skivvies…

 photo(97)

I know I’ve posted this poem before, but it seems to fit into the theme, so I’m posting it again

Untitled Poem

I tell my students                                                                                                                                                                                                       “Inhale, and fill your heart with gratitude”
I think of this, as I put the quinoa on the stove
the front door open,
I can hear
the summer rain.
And isn’t it just perfect?
I want to run, barefoot into the street
to fling open my arms to the sky…
instead I stand in the doorway,
licking my beet stained fingers
and think about the bounty and
the gifts of the earth
And I too, inhale.

So this is what it is to be blessed.