Category: Struggles

Turning Point (not to be confused with the ballet movie from the late 70’s)

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Finally, I’ve reached the turning point. The point I always knew I would reach, the point that everyone has been telling me to get to for the last month or so. The point where I’m finally done mourning the loss of my job, (and the relationship) and I’m finally realizing that having free time at this moment in my life is actually a huge gift.

I knew I would get here eventually, but like every journey, it isn’t really something you can rush. I needed a little time to process, to hang out in the void, to wear a lot of yoga clothes and sit on my couch… and frankly, I think that is healthy. I think it is good to mentally take a step back from where you were, and take some time to really figure out where you want to go… and it takes some of us longer than others… Honestly, I’m still not entirely sure of the where part… but I’m finally not terrified of exploring that.

A few weeks ago, when my lack of a job was still very raw, someone asked me “If you could picture the perfect job for you, and the most ideal situation, what would that look like?” and I panicked… I mean almost completely shut down panicked, because I realized that I had no idea. Like, not even a little bit of an idea, and it’s a pretty scary thing when you realize that you can’t even imagine what you want your future to look like. (I’m 27… I should have some grasp, right?) I’ve always believed in the 6 month plan… 6 months is manageable, 6 months is safe, and at the end of 6 months you can reevaluate, and tweak and reorganize as necessary. And I’ve been living on this 6 month plan for almost 6 years. I take a beat, I reevaluate… and most every 6 months I decide that things are going pretty swell, and I don’t veer too far of the path I’m already on. That is until last October… that is when I changed everything…  Suddenly I had new goals, new dreams, and a new plan… and it didn’t even remotely resemble my old plan. It was fresh and exciting… and the really scary thing is that it felt 100% right. But life kept happening, and plans changed again, and suddenly I was back where I was… and it felt a little forced, and boring, and even a bit frustrating, but hey at least it was safe. It was money in the bank, it was familiar, and there is something to be said for settling back into a routine.  Well the universe once again had other plans, so there I was staring change in the face, and fighting it kicking and screaming… (and crying, there was a lot of crying) So I took a few weeks, I readjusted, I mourned, I settled into the fear… and tried to get a grip.

Through all this I felt a little pathetic. I mean I have a tattoo on my foot that is supposed to be inspiring me every day to live the life I want to live, to follow my passions… and for a really really long time, people would see this tattoo and ask me “so what is the answer for you? What do you want to do with your one wild and precious life?”  And the answer was always the same “get a bulldog, name him Toby, write something amazing, be happy” So what are you supposed to do when you are heartbroken and out of work, and you realize that you already have a dog named Toby, and you are trying to write, and have been mostly happy, and that it’s not quite enough? Furthermore, what do you do when you realize that the one thing you actually want to do more than anything else you’ve ever wanted to do is no longer an option? I’m all for wishing, and setting goals, and visualizing what you want, but at some point you just have to let it go.  You have to realize that the person you want to spend your life with doesn’t want to spend his life with you; it’s probably prudent to get a new dream. Which is easier said than done. (and then you also have all the girly baggage of realizing that if this person doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with you, he isn’t worth your time… but you can’t get over it just like that, so it just makes you feel bad about yourself, and like you aren’t empowering yourself, and that you are in fact pathetic for still being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back… trust me, being a woman, and being in your head is a dangerous dangerous thing… then add to it the extra free time, and the not having a job thing… and I’m actually amazed it has only taken me a month to start snapping out of things… )   Most mornings I would wake up, and it would take just about everything in me to try to focus on other things. My morning mantra became “find a new dream, move on.” And I’m still working on it…

But Friday morning, it finally hit me… You know like when you are running about 20 minutes late for work and you suddenly get inspired to bleach all the grout in the shower and deep clean every room in the house? That is what it was like. I was getting ready to head to the unemployment office for my mandatory visit, and suddenly all I wanted to do was get my life in order. It’s not like I had an epiphany or anything, I’m a practical person, and I did in fact realize that I should be working on something productive with all of my free time (and several of you have been hinting at this for quite a while) but it finally all clicked together somewhere in my psyche. What better time to actually completely the millions of projects I have to do around my house? What better time to get serious about writing? What better time to be creative?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I have completely stopped working on myself over the past month. In fact that opposite is true… sure, I’ve been a sad moping version of myself, but I’ve also been exercising a lot, taking vitamins, drinking more water… I might have had a grey cloud following me around, but at least I was being physically healthy… and now it’s time to work on the mental stuff.  I’m still definitely in a transitional period in my life. Fingers crossed I will hear something about graduate school by Friday ( at least about my application to the Peer Mentor Program, which will at least be some sort of news!), but in the meantime I’m working on all the projects I’ve been putting off.

I’m writing more. Because I have the luxury of time. And it’s not always good, and it’s mostly quite rambly (current post included) but it is writing none-the-less. Ask any writer, and I guarantee he/she will tell you the importance of writing every single day… making sure you carve out time, and write just for the sake of writing… so I’m writing. And I’m reading more, and I’m looking for creative outlets. I’m trying new recipes, getting ready to start collaging, I’m making lists of house hold projects, (I think it is finally time to paint the kitchen cabinets!)  and I’m starting to do some deep cleaning and purging.  I’m taking this time off, and I’m going to make the most of it.  I actually cleaned off my desk today, and got my home office set up and ready to go. I updated my chalkboard calendar, and sucked it up and erased the corny little heart he drew around the day we met. I’m ready to be inspired, and have a clean and cheerful place to settle into! (I even burned some sage).  I really want to grow my blog, expand my readership, and hopefully start submitting pieces elsewhere.  (this is the part where I shamelessly ask you to share my blog with others, like the facebook page, and send me good thoughts and positive writing vibes.)

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I share an office with Toby… he doesn’t spend a lot of time in his crate (mostly for sleeping and time outs) but he was hiding from the vacuum…

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The corny heart. I didn’t keep it for sentimental reasons, I really just hadn’t updated my master calendar since September… shows you how much time I have been spending at my desk.

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Clean Desk, Fresh Calendar, Can’t Lose.

I’m also going to be following another passion of mine…Several months ago, after a particularly great day of teaching yoga, I had a moment when I thought “wouldn’t it be great if I could just teach yoga, and be a stay at home dog mom, and work on my writing?” Of course I promptly filed that thought under “yeah, wouldn’t that be a nice pipe dream” and let it go… and now I’m pulling it back out re-filing under “holy-s*%$, this is my reality!”  I have no idea if I can make a living off of teaching yoga… but what better time to try? I’ll be getting unemployment to supplement things, and I have time, actual time to devote to planning classes, recruiting students, and cultivating a dedicated and meaningful practice in this community, and it’s something that I am actually epically excited about. Especially at this time in my life when I’m feeling so off kilter, and like I’ve lost part of my identity. I’ve always felt that I am the best version of myself when practicing yoga… and it’s time to get back to that self.  For the rest of the month I’m experimenting with becoming a “full time” yoga teacher at 4 elements yoga.  I’m going to be teaching Power & Hatha Yoga on Monday mornings, two Hatha classes on Wednesdays and I’m also going to be subbing for Slow Burn Vinyasa, and Back & Shoulder care yoga for a few weeks.

Sure, they are all baby steps, but baby steps in the right direction.

Sitting is the new Smoking? I guess it’s time to wiggle around.

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I just did a dance around my living room… as I was taking laundry to the washing machine I made sure to wiggle around, and as I’m sitting on my couch typing this, out I may or may not be doing the in-flight blood clot reducing exercises you see on the trans-Atlantic flights… In my yoga class today we started talking about how “Sitting is the new smoking” which is a concept that everyone else in the class seemed to be familiar with… I was in the ignorance is bliss category, and of course as soon as I came home started doing a little research. Sure enough, sitting is a lethal activity according to The New York Times among others (Go ahead, Google it “Sitting is the new smoking”). So yeah, I’ve been wiggling my person around a little extra today.

Generally speaking, I am an active person… I teach two yoga classes a week, I take a lot of yoga during the week, and I can honestly say that I have been running more this month than I went running in all of 2012. I like walking places, and mostly I like to think I move around quite a bit… but in the past month I know I’ve also been sitting a whole lot more than I used to…

I mean it’s all relative… I’m not spending nearly as much time in my car, as I no longer have a 20 minute commute to work, and am not driving 40 miles every other day to see ex-boyfriend. I’m also no longer sitting at a desk… but I am sitting on my couch… a lot. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I sit here all day, but I’m still adjusting to my life in the unemployed sector, and so I sit a lot. I search online for jobs, I do a lot of reading, I look for new recipes, I’m writing more, and yes, ok, I’m watching A LOT of The West Wing…

I’m here trying to justify things, but the reality is, even when I was working full time, I didn’t spend a ton of time at my desk… sure, I spent my fair share of time at the computer writing newsletters, updating social media, working on advertising, printing contracts, doing research. But I also spent a fair amount of time walking between my office and the retail shop, or the office and the tasting room… Some days it felt like I spent more time walking back and forth than I did at the desk. I would take breaks and walk Toby through the lavender fields, I would walk through the nursery on my lunch break, and I was constantly up and about taking pictures around the property, walking through the olive groves and grape vines… So yeah, I’m driving a lot less than I was, and I’m running quite a bit more, and I’m even taking more yoga, but I’m still sure that I’m also sitting a lot more than I used to… (BRB as I need to get up and move around, and maybe you should do the same! )

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Alright, I’m back…Is anyone else suddenly inspired to go invest in a pedometer? The statistics are a little terrifying… I mean obviously we know that sitting around watching tv all day isn’t good for you, but the idea that every hour spent in front of the TV gives you an 11% higher death rate? You’d think it would have to be the same for reading a book right? Every hour I spend reading a book, or sitting at my computer writing, is an hour closer to death. (Which I suppose is true of any hour spend doing anything… but you know what I mean) If you need me today, I’ll be bopping around my house…

Clean Sheet Night: The most wonderful of wonderful things.

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Right now I’m celebrating the most wonderful of wonderful things: Clean sheet night. Of all the little pleasures in life, I think this one is by far my favorite… I love the clean linen smell, and the fresh crispness as you climb into bed… like your bed is giving you this fresh hug. All the corners are tucked in, the blankets are in the perfect place…everything is as it should be.

Yes, clean sheet night is the best… but getting to clean sheet night never goes as smoothly as I would hope. You’d think it would be simple. Strip the bed, wash the sheets, put them back on, go about your day, and anticipate that sweet sweet moment when you get to take off your socks, pants, clothes, whatever it is you take off before you crawl into bed. Somehow, in spite of my best efforts and intentions this is never how my sheet washing day unfolds.

Of course it doesn’t help that right now I only own one pair of sheets… (ok this is a lie, I own two… one extra special flannel pair, that are my all time favorite sheets, and have been since I was 16, and they are starting to get a little thread bare, so rather than put them into rotation, they live in my memory, and also under my bed… they are chartreuse flannel and have brightly colored snails on them… They. Are. Amazing… but they have not been put on my bed in years.) So rather than pulling the sheets off the bed & immediately remaking it, I am forced to wait the laundry cycle.

This usually happens on days when I’m getting a lot of things done and feeling really motivated. I’m making lists, I’m running errands, I’m cleaning things, I’m on a roll, and oh why not just wash the sheets real quick! This usually happens at some point during the day when there is sunlight streaming in my bedroom window, and it feels like the happiest place in the house and I have this moment of “oh you know what would be the best thing ever? If tonight was clean sheet night!” So I bundle everything up, put it in the washing machine, and them leave my room for the rest of the day and promptly forget about the next steps.

I’m not entirely sure how it is possible… I have great follow-through when it comes to a lot of things… but re-making my bed in a timely fashion is not one of them… Its like the sheets go in the washer and are immediately dismissed from my memory until that really unfortunate moment, usually really late at night when I finally decide I’m exhausted and need to crawl into bed in 30 seconds or less or something really bad will happen to my mind and or body, and I stumble back into the once sunshine filled room to discover a mound of pillows and blankets and things in disarray. Foiled, yet again.

Today was exactly that day. I had lists, I was motivated, there was sunshine, it was going to be an epic day. I walked the dog, put him to bed, gathered my glass of water and my laptop, and trudged off to the bedroom to tuck myself in for the night… I got to my room, big sigh, put down the computer and the water, and went out to the garage, where I had at least remembered to put the sheets into the dryer…

Back when I lived by myself, I had a few nights of utter weakness, when faced with the task of making the bed, or sleeping immediately, I took refuge on the couch. Normally I would not condone such behavior, (I mean I’m not that lazy!) but with the size of my old bedroom my bed had to be pushed up with one side entirely against a wall… which meant making the bed was actually a challenge. It always ended up being this awkward balancing body flailing thing where I had to lay my entire body out across the bed to try and tuck the sheets into the appropriate corners, and then do this sort of rolling maneuver to get my person out of the way of the sheet and where it needed to be… It was like a bed making obstacle course… and most nights I was up for the challenge… but there were a few late nights when I came home from work, and of course had forgotten the bed was unmade, and I would spend a few moments standing in the middle of the room with a look of disbelief and a posture of defeat, and then slump towards the living room dragging a blanket behind me.

Thankfully tonight isn’t one of those nights. I’m happily tucked in between the sheets, swishing my toes back and forth, relishing the fact that tonight is my favorite night. Tonight is clean sheet night.

Take what you need, and leave the rest. My morning spent fighting my yoga practice

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This morning I decided I was going to get up early and head to a yoga class. Since I’ve been unemployed I’ve been trying to take a lot more classes. It helps clear my head, it helps me get inspiration for the classes I’m teaching… it’s a win win… There are days when I have to sometimes psyche myself up for a class, but once I get to the studio I’m always so glad that I went. I have never, not once, regretted going to a yoga class.

But today I was fighting my practice, I mean hard core fighting my practice… I decided last night before I went to bed that I was going to get up early no matter what and get to the studio. No matter that I’m not a morning person, no matter that I haven’t gotten out of bed before 8:30 in the last three weeks… I have been bound and determined to move my person everyday, and right now its frigidly cold in Oregon, so running isn’t as appealing as it could be. Not to mention the fact that yoga lets me be a little social, and the teacher, whom I adore, will be moving soon, so I really wanted to get a class in.

My alarm went off, I only pushed snooze twice, got up, got ready, walked the dog, and made it to class. Victory! At least victory for about 45 minutes… and then something clicked in my brain and I was just done… with 30 minutes left in class, I mentally checked out, every movement stopped feeling “right” and I got totally in my head.  I even caught myself at one point doing a not so subtle eye roll… what is wrong with me? Here I am, a yoga teacher, and its not like anyone forced me to be in this class, and my mind and my body are both rejecting the movement…

As a student, and especially as a teacher I know that yoga is about leaving your Ego at the door. Its not about what the person on the next mat is doing, its about you and your practice, and meeting your practice where you are. I KNOW this… and I was repeating this to myself, as I was struggling… and why? I’m secure enough with my own person and my own body, to do my own thing in class… but there was this part of me that just kept going through the motions… (all the meanwhile eye rolling… I’m a terrible student) The practice was fighting me, and I was fighting it back rather than just surrendering and doing actually what I needed… And its not like the teacher would have cared had I just laid down on the mat and spent 30 minutes getting my mind where it needed to be… still hours later I’m sitting here thinking “why didn’t I just do that?”

I think part of it is actually that I know too much… and I often struggle with finding that perfect balance between pushing the right amount/ pushing too much. Sometimes when things are challenging, it is exactly what we need to be doing, we need to push through the fight or flight reflex and come out the other side… at least that is what I was telling myself in class today. “just keep pushing, just keep moving, its only 15 more minutes.”  But why did I think it was better to keep pushing than just listening to what I needed?  Again it’s the teacher in me… No, I didn’t really want to be doing Ardha Chandrasana… I didn’t want to do it at all… but rather than just taking a breath & watching the other students enjoy this beautiful pose, my inner dialog was running saying “This is maybe exactly what you need because this pose combats depression, is a mood elevator, relieves anxiety, helps you feel more balanced , and reduces stress! This pose will help you feel supported and joyful, and that is exactly what you need in your life right now…” and yet I was fighting the pose, I was scowling the whole time, I was mentally and physically ready to be done… so why didn’t I just listen to that?

I know there is a distinct difference between giving into what you need, and giving up… but I think we don’t often listen to that… At least I don’t. I don’t often say “its ok to not push today.”

Especially when it comes to yoga… Since I haven’t been “working” I’ve been trying to be more active, and working on myself… and in the past I haven’t really been called to restorative types of yoga. I have taught several restorative and gentle classes, but usually when I take a class I want it to be more active. I want to move my person…But maybe what I really need is to find a slower practice… to really settle into the relaxation and the meditation… it makes sense. Even though my days are slow… my life as I know it is kind of in chaos. I lost my job of 5 years, I lost my relationship, I’m losing my roommate, I’m stressed mentally, and financially, and it would make totally sense that really what my brain is needing is to actually slow down…

And part of me is mad that I didn’t listen to that this morning when my alarm went off… No, I don’t regret going to yoga this morning… the first 45 minutes of class were exactly what I needed… but then why didn’t I just trust my body and my mind and let the rest go? (And why am I still worked up about it hours later?) Sigh…  I really need to start living “take what you need, and leave the rest”… my new mantra for at least the rest of the weekend, and hopefully beyond.