Simple meals, burnt kale. It happens.

February 7, 2013Leave a comment

Last night my dinner was really simple. I love taking a few key ingredients, and making a completely simple and satisfying dish. Some left over sausage, soft boiled eggs, a healthy scoop of quinoa, a handful of roasted or steamed greens, a drizzle of olive oil, a sprinkling of salt… these are the meals I eat over and over, my basic fall back meals… They are hearty, and satisfying, and best of all they are easy. These are the meals that I make when I get home late after teaching, and the meals that will be recycled throughout the rest of the week in some form or another. Call me bizarre but kale and quinoa are my comfort foods… (ok, ok, so is cheese… and pasta… and polenta… and a lot of other things).

From time to time I do start to feel a little bit bad about my quinoa addiction… someone will post on my facebook wall about how Bolivian natives can no longer afford their one time staple grain because the demand here is so high… I guess you win some and you lose some…

There was going to be a photo or two to accompany this post, but I burnt the kale. I mean really super badly burnt the kale… The once green and thriving leaves were brown… way beyond kale chip, way beyond crunchy, but in a moment of desperation, I threw them on the plate anyway. I was feeling bad that my lunch consisted of a box of mac & cheese, and there was no way that something green (or at least something that had at one time been green) was going on my plate… it actually wasn’t terrible, but it definitely was not photograph-able, and sometimes that is just the way it goes.

Maybe it’s a karma thing. I was feeling a little defeated when I came home at 8:45, a meal plan already formed in my head, and all the kale in my refrigerator was moldy. I tried for a few minutes to sort through it, maybe find something salvageable… but moldy kale is moldy kale…there were no survivors. But wouldn’t you know it, I just happen to have a raised bed full of kale in my back yard, and I was feeling rather proud of myself for having a winter vegetable supply, so I got out the flashlight and headed out into the darkness, returning with a handful of baby kale. “Look at me, I’m so resourceful, I just saved dinner!” is pretty much what I was thinking to myself as I washed the leaves, drizzled them with oil, and threw them in the oven to get crispy. And crispy they got. I was feeling superior, and on top of things, and oh, so practical… and then I burnt the crap out of the kale. At least it added some texture? You know what they say, waste not, want not…

What I like most about running, and a tangent about make-up

February 5, 20131 Comment

One of the things I love most about running is the healthy afterglow that takes over your face. Sure I love the exercise part, and the whole mental clarity thing is an added bonus for me right now, but I really really enjoy that perfect post run flush of color. Especially this time of year when us Oregonian women need as much color as we can get. (this past week aside, since we are in the midst of that perfect week in February where there is actually a promise of spring and blue sky. It’s the savior week that gives us a glimpse of the hopeful season ahead, and makes the gloomy days of January, and the looming rainy days of March & April totally worth it). You’d think makeup companies would capitalize on this, I mean Nars has their best-selling shade “Orgasm” why not create a blush called “Runners High”? I get the whole sex appeal thing, I’m guilty of it too, I have more makeup with somewhat scandalous names than practical ones (because who doesn’t need an eye shadow in the shade of Sex Kitten?) but somewhere out there are the women who would totally grab a compact full of that perfect color, and I am one of them.

Nars Blush in Orgasm Photo courtesy of Sephora.com

I love wearing lipstick, and have more makeup floating around in my bathroom than a sorority house, but I think there is a time and a place for every look, and as of late, my life isn’t exactly conducive to copious amounts of makeup. We’ve all seen those women, the kind that put on mascara before heading to the gym at 7AM… and to each her own. Who am I to judge? If you need mascara before leaving the house, then by all means, but that is SO not me. I’m hard pressed to even slap on under eye concealer before heading out to a 10AM yoga class, let alone a full blown lashes affront before coffee. It’s just not my style… (though maybe I should make more of an effort to not look like a dead yoga teacher, even when I’m just heading off to take a class, and not actually teach. It’s a fine line, dressing for success and all, but also there is a huge authenticity issue. If I went to a 5:30 AM class and the teacher was wearing makeup, I would probably have to fight the urge to punch her in the face… and yes, that might just be the early morning, pre-coffee me talking… and no I don’t teach 5:30 AM classes, so I’m hopeful that if I show up to my morning class my students are not in fact judging me if I have managed to get my life together and actually throw on some foundation and blush) I think it is really freeing to not feel tied down by makeup… and I know so many beautiful women who make a point of not wearing makeup at all. I was actually shocked the other day when I friend of mine showed some hesitation about leaving her makeup at the place we were getting ready before going out dancing. She didn’t want to come back and get it in the morning, because she didn’t want to brave public transportation without makeup. It was such a good reminder about how big of a crutch it can sometimes be… Who knows, maybe I should be more like this friend… I cannot tell you how many times I have run out for a quick errand looking a little disheveled (it doesn’t help that these no-makeup circumstances are usually accompanied by frumpy work-out clothes, and somewhat questionable hair situations) and run into several people that I know… Which is my own high risk behavior… it’s a small community, of course I’m going to run into someone I know! Do I care? Not usually… but again, maybe I should start caring, as networking needs to be a higher priority on my life list.

And then there is the a makeup conundrum I’ve been having lately. I am by no means a high maintenance kind of girl, I fully believe in the practicality of a five-minute face, and typically when it comes to the everyday I’m into less is more. Again, I think there is a time and a place for heavy makeup, and I also believe that some women can pull it off flawlessly and not look ridiculous. Most days I try for a more subtle look. And in theory this is great, I’ve got my routine down, and I leave the house looking fresh faced, bright eyed, and am not feeling weighed down by too much makeup. But lately I have been hitting that 3 hour wall, where I look into the mirror, and it is like all the makeup has evaporated from my face. How/ why does this happen? I could understand if I was out working up a sweat, but most days I’ll be at a desk or working retail for a few hours, and then I look in the mirror and my face it completely void of color. Suddenly I start to resemble Leo McGarry post heart attack on The West Wing… And it’s not like I’m wearing cheap makeup… this is the whole reason one invests in the mineral foundations, and the blush with sexy names… when I put on my make-up I expect it to stay on, and I don’t think this is that unrealistic.

Of course it doesn’t help matters that when I actually spackle on make-up for a night out it will stay flawlessly until the next morning. How is it that I can have the perfect amount of makeup on my face, and it won’t stay for 3 hours, but when I am arguably wearing too much makeup, it can survive dancing, sweating, drinking, and 8 hours of sleeping, and still be perfectly in place? Someone explain that to me. And why can’t I have it both ways? Why can’t I have my cake and eat it too… (maybe I can… when it comes to me and make up, there is a very good chance that I’m just doing it wrong… but I like to pretend that I know what I’m doing…)

In the end I’m sure it doesn’t matter…I’m still not going to put on my full face before running out the door to a yoga class, and I’m still going to somewhat awed when I wake up after a night out and my lipstick is still perfectly pouty. I will probably still shake my fist at the mirror later today when my blush/bronzer has magically evaporated, and I will still think fondly back to this morning when I came bursting in the front door after my run, and my cheeks were perfectly flushed. Seriously, will someone please create this blush color?

Turning Point (not to be confused with the ballet movie from the late 70’s)

February 4, 2013Leave a comment

Finally, I’ve reached the turning point. The point I always knew I would reach, the point that everyone has been telling me to get to for the last month or so. The point where I’m finally done mourning the loss of my job, (and the relationship) and I’m finally realizing that having free time at this moment in my life is actually a huge gift.

I knew I would get here eventually, but like every journey, it isn’t really something you can rush. I needed a little time to process, to hang out in the void, to wear a lot of yoga clothes and sit on my couch… and frankly, I think that is healthy. I think it is good to mentally take a step back from where you were, and take some time to really figure out where you want to go… and it takes some of us longer than others… Honestly, I’m still not entirely sure of the where part… but I’m finally not terrified of exploring that.

A few weeks ago, when my lack of a job was still very raw, someone asked me “If you could picture the perfect job for you, and the most ideal situation, what would that look like?” and I panicked… I mean almost completely shut down panicked, because I realized that I had no idea. Like, not even a little bit of an idea, and it’s a pretty scary thing when you realize that you can’t even imagine what you want your future to look like. (I’m 27… I should have some grasp, right?) I’ve always believed in the 6 month plan… 6 months is manageable, 6 months is safe, and at the end of 6 months you can reevaluate, and tweak and reorganize as necessary. And I’ve been living on this 6 month plan for almost 6 years. I take a beat, I reevaluate… and most every 6 months I decide that things are going pretty swell, and I don’t veer too far of the path I’m already on. That is until last October… that is when I changed everything… Suddenly I had new goals, new dreams, and a new plan… and it didn’t even remotely resemble my old plan. It was fresh and exciting… and the really scary thing is that it felt 100% right. But life kept happening, and plans changed again, and suddenly I was back where I was… and it felt a little forced, and boring, and even a bit frustrating, but hey at least it was safe. It was money in the bank, it was familiar, and there is something to be said for settling back into a routine. Well the universe once again had other plans, so there I was staring change in the face, and fighting it kicking and screaming… (and crying, there was a lot of crying) So I took a few weeks, I readjusted, I mourned, I settled into the fear… and tried to get a grip.

Through all this I felt a little pathetic. I mean I have a tattoo on my foot that is supposed to be inspiring me every day to live the life I want to live, to follow my passions… and for a really really long time, people would see this tattoo and ask me “so what is the answer for you? What do you want to do with your one wild and precious life?” And the answer was always the same “get a bulldog, name him Toby, write something amazing, be happy” So what are you supposed to do when you are heartbroken and out of work, and you realize that you already have a dog named Toby, and you are trying to write, and have been mostly happy, and that it’s not quite enough? Furthermore, what do you do when you realize that the one thing you actually want to do more than anything else you’ve ever wanted to do is no longer an option? I’m all for wishing, and setting goals, and visualizing what you want, but at some point you just have to let it go. You have to realize that the person you want to spend your life with doesn’t want to spend his life with you; it’s probably prudent to get a new dream. Which is easier said than done. (and then you also have all the girly baggage of realizing that if this person doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with you, he isn’t worth your time… but you can’t get over it just like that, so it just makes you feel bad about yourself, and like you aren’t empowering yourself, and that you are in fact pathetic for still being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back… trust me, being a woman, and being in your head is a dangerous dangerous thing… then add to it the extra free time, and the not having a job thing… and I’m actually amazed it has only taken me a month to start snapping out of things… ) Most mornings I would wake up, and it would take just about everything in me to try to focus on other things. My morning mantra became “find a new dream, move on.” And I’m still working on it…

But Friday morning, it finally hit me… You know like when you are running about 20 minutes late for work and you suddenly get inspired to bleach all the grout in the shower and deep clean every room in the house? That is what it was like. I was getting ready to head to the unemployment office for my mandatory visit, and suddenly all I wanted to do was get my life in order. It’s not like I had an epiphany or anything, I’m a practical person, and I did in fact realize that I should be working on something productive with all of my free time (and several of you have been hinting at this for quite a while) but it finally all clicked together somewhere in my psyche. What better time to actually completely the millions of projects I have to do around my house? What better time to get serious about writing? What better time to be creative?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I have completely stopped working on myself over the past month. In fact that opposite is true… sure, I’ve been a sad moping version of myself, but I’ve also been exercising a lot, taking vitamins, drinking more water… I might have had a grey cloud following me around, but at least I was being physically healthy… and now it’s time to work on the mental stuff. I’m still definitely in a transitional period in my life. Fingers crossed I will hear something about graduate school by Friday ( at least about my application to the Peer Mentor Program, which will at least be some sort of news!), but in the meantime I’m working on all the projects I’ve been putting off.

I’m writing more. Because I have the luxury of time. And it’s not always good, and it’s mostly quite rambly (current post included) but it is writing none-the-less. Ask any writer, and I guarantee he/she will tell you the importance of writing every single day… making sure you carve out time, and write just for the sake of writing… so I’m writing. And I’m reading more, and I’m looking for creative outlets. I’m trying new recipes, getting ready to start collaging, I’m making lists of house hold projects, (I think it is finally time to paint the kitchen cabinets!) and I’m starting to do some deep cleaning and purging. I’m taking this time off, and I’m going to make the most of it. I actually cleaned off my desk today, and got my home office set up and ready to go. I updated my chalkboard calendar, and sucked it up and erased the corny little heart he drew around the day we met. I’m ready to be inspired, and have a clean and cheerful place to settle into! (I even burned some sage). I really want to grow my blog, expand my readership, and hopefully start submitting pieces elsewhere. (this is the part where I shamelessly ask you to share my blog with others, like the facebook page, and send me good thoughts and positive writing vibes.)

I share an office with Toby… he doesn’t spend a lot of time in his crate (mostly for sleeping and time outs) but he was hiding from the vacuum…

The corny heart. I didn’t keep it for sentimental reasons, I really just hadn’t updated my master calendar since September… shows you how much time I have been spending at my desk.

Clean Desk, Fresh Calendar, Can’t Lose.

I’m also going to be following another passion of mine…Several months ago, after a particularly great day of teaching yoga, I had a moment when I thought “wouldn’t it be great if I could just teach yoga, and be a stay at home dog mom, and work on my writing?” Of course I promptly filed that thought under “yeah, wouldn’t that be a nice pipe dream” and let it go… and now I’m pulling it back out re-filing under “holy-s*%$, this is my reality!” I have no idea if I can make a living off of teaching yoga… but what better time to try? I’ll be getting unemployment to supplement things, and I have time, actual time to devote to planning classes, recruiting students, and cultivating a dedicated and meaningful practice in this community, and it’s something that I am actually epically excited about. Especially at this time in my life when I’m feeling so off kilter, and like I’ve lost part of my identity. I’ve always felt that I am the best version of myself when practicing yoga… and it’s time to get back to that self. For the rest of the month I’m experimenting with becoming a “full time” yoga teacher at 4 elements yoga. I’m going to be teaching Power & Hatha Yoga on Monday mornings, two Hatha classes on Wednesdays and I’m also going to be subbing for Slow Burn Vinyasa, and Back & Shoulder care yoga for a few weeks.

Sure, they are all baby steps, but baby steps in the right direction.

Mascarpone Lemon Gelato: Yum-0!

February 1, 2013February 1, 20132 Comments

When I graduated from college almost six years ago, the first thing I purchased was an ice cream maker… I mean why not, when you are going out into the world, newly educated and with really no clue about what your future holds, of course all you want/ need in life is an ice cream maker… Sadly in that six years, I think I can count on one had the number of times I have actually made ice cream. That first year I tried a pear avocado sorbet… which was pretty delicious, and the next year I made a strawberry and black pepper sorbet. Also great. I went on an olive oil ice cream kick a few years later, and made a few batches here and there, and this summer I use some of my fresh picked Marion Berries for a batch of ice cream. At least all of my attempts have been successful, and delicious, even if they have been few and far between (and let’s face it, its probably for the best that I’m not making ice cream every week).

This summer I was reminded that the ice cream maker isn’t just for ice cream, and I had a lot of fun making blended mixed drinks. Rum and diet coke, vodka lemonade etc etc… super delicious spin on the adult beverage.

Tonight I decided to make gelato… and it is good. Damn good…. I’m not really sure what possessed me to make gelato on the 1st day of February… its not exactly the most seasonal of desserts, but I stumbled across the recipe about a month ago, and its been lingering in the”I should make that sometime” part of my brain.

A couple of friends and I have started a dinner group under the premise that each month one of us has to make a dish we’ve never made before. Of course we are all busy people, and so we have an understanding that some months it might very well be ” I was too tired to make something new, but I will take you all to the taco truck down the street, and we can all order something we’ve never ordered before.” Tomorrow night is our first gathering, I volunteered to host, since unemployment has granted me a bit of free time, and also my parents are out of town for the weekend, so they have donated their kitchen (and their hot tub) to the cause. God bless supportive parents who live a mile and a half away… Anyway, I’m going to be making a sausage/apple/pear dish I read about a few weeks ago on The Splendid Table, but I also remembered how delightful that gelato sounded, so I went back through my mental files, and pulled out the the recipe.

One thing I love about making ice cream/ gelato is that it is crazy, stupid easy, and almost always delicious. I had no doubt this recipe would be amazing, I mean really anything with two cups of mascarpone cheese can’t be bad, right? I was also excited because the Meyer lemons growing on my back patio were very nearly ripe, so I decided to add a little bit of flair to the recipe.

On a side note, this is the third Meyer Lemon tree I’ve attempted to grow. The first one, Liz Lemon, lived happily in my loft apartment, and I had at least 20 lemons… I made lemon curd… lots of lemon curd. It. Was. Epic. Until she got spider mites… things quickly went down hill after that.I got Liz Lemon Jr. a year later, and things went well until the winter happened, and I didn’t feel like bringing the tree inside and outside all the time, so I made an attempt to wrap it in towels to protect it from the freezing weather… It didn’t work… Technically the tree is still alive, but it aborted all the fruit and I’m pretty sure it has reverted back to the dragon tree it was grafted onto… The tree itself is thriving… but I’m 99.9% sure it is no longer a lemon tree… at the very least, it hasn’t bloomed or produced fruit in a good long while.

Perhaps the third time is the charm, at least that is what I’m telling myself with the little lemon tree I fondly call Simon. I figured it was time to try again since I actually have a covered porch that stays relatively warm, and a garage with a south facing window… which is ideal for those few days every winter when you actually need to bring the lemon trees inside. So far so good! And I picked a lovely looking lemon this afternoon to put into my gelato.

Since I am quite proud of said lemon, I decided it was only fair to add a bit more lemon zest and lemon juice to the recipe. Considering that I found the recipe itself on the Culture Magazine facebook page, I’m pretty sure the cheese was supposed to be the star, but I decided it couldn’t hurt to add a bit more lemon. I slaved over this tree, I toted it in and out of the garage countless times… you better believe I wanted to use every last bit of zest and juice that little guy could give me. The original recipe called for 1 tsp lemon zest and 1/2 teaspoon fresh lemon juice. I used the zest from the entire lemon, and all the juice (about 4 tsps… it was a pretty small lemon)

The recipe also called for kosher salt, but I used Jacobsen Sea Salt… a local favorite.

To add a little pizazz to the final dish I candied some additional lemon zest along with some English Thyme to add to the top, along with some crushed pistachios…. Sweet Jesus… it is good. Really Really good. The mascarpone adds this amazing creaminess to it, and I must say, the lemon is just the right amount, not overpowering or underwhelming.

Sitting is the new Smoking? I guess it’s time to wiggle around.

January 28, 20131 Comment

I just did a dance around my living room… as I was taking laundry to the washing machine I made sure to wiggle around, and as I’m sitting on my couch typing this, out I may or may not be doing the in-flight blood clot reducing exercises you see on the trans-Atlantic flights… In my yoga class today we started talking about how “Sitting is the new smoking” which is a concept that everyone else in the class seemed to be familiar with… I was in the ignorance is bliss category, and of course as soon as I came home started doing a little research. Sure enough, sitting is a lethal activity according to The New York Times among others (Go ahead, Google it “Sitting is the new smoking”). So yeah, I’ve been wiggling my person around a little extra today.

Generally speaking, I am an active person… I teach two yoga classes a week, I take a lot of yoga during the week, and I can honestly say that I have been running more this month than I went running in all of 2012. I like walking places, and mostly I like to think I move around quite a bit… but in the past month I know I’ve also been sitting a whole lot more than I used to…

I mean it’s all relative… I’m not spending nearly as much time in my car, as I no longer have a 20 minute commute to work, and am not driving 40 miles every other day to see ex-boyfriend. I’m also no longer sitting at a desk… but I am sitting on my couch… a lot. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I sit here all day, but I’m still adjusting to my life in the unemployed sector, and so I sit a lot. I search online for jobs, I do a lot of reading, I look for new recipes, I’m writing more, and yes, ok, I’m watching A LOT of The West Wing…

I’m here trying to justify things, but the reality is, even when I was working full time, I didn’t spend a ton of time at my desk… sure, I spent my fair share of time at the computer writing newsletters, updating social media, working on advertising, printing contracts, doing research. But I also spent a fair amount of time walking between my office and the retail shop, or the office and the tasting room… Some days it felt like I spent more time walking back and forth than I did at the desk. I would take breaks and walk Toby through the lavender fields, I would walk through the nursery on my lunch break, and I was constantly up and about taking pictures around the property, walking through the olive groves and grape vines… So yeah, I’m driving a lot less than I was, and I’m running quite a bit more, and I’m even taking more yoga, but I’m still sure that I’m also sitting a lot more than I used to… (BRB as I need to get up and move around, and maybe you should do the same! )

…..

Alright, I’m back…Is anyone else suddenly inspired to go invest in a pedometer? The statistics are a little terrifying… I mean obviously we know that sitting around watching tv all day isn’t good for you, but the idea that every hour spent in front of the TV gives you an 11% higher death rate? You’d think it would have to be the same for reading a book right? Every hour I spend reading a book, or sitting at my computer writing, is an hour closer to death. (Which I suppose is true of any hour spend doing anything… but you know what I mean) If you need me today, I’ll be bopping around my house…

Clean Sheet Night: The most wonderful of wonderful things.

January 20, 2013January 20, 2013Leave a comment

Right now I’m celebrating the most wonderful of wonderful things: Clean sheet night. Of all the little pleasures in life, I think this one is by far my favorite… I love the clean linen smell, and the fresh crispness as you climb into bed… like your bed is giving you this fresh hug. All the corners are tucked in, the blankets are in the perfect place…everything is as it should be.

Yes, clean sheet night is the best… but getting to clean sheet night never goes as smoothly as I would hope. You’d think it would be simple. Strip the bed, wash the sheets, put them back on, go about your day, and anticipate that sweet sweet moment when you get to take off your socks, pants, clothes, whatever it is you take off before you crawl into bed. Somehow, in spite of my best efforts and intentions this is never how my sheet washing day unfolds.

Of course it doesn’t help that right now I only own one pair of sheets… (ok this is a lie, I own two… one extra special flannel pair, that are my all time favorite sheets, and have been since I was 16, and they are starting to get a little thread bare, so rather than put them into rotation, they live in my memory, and also under my bed… they are chartreuse flannel and have brightly colored snails on them… They. Are. Amazing… but they have not been put on my bed in years.) So rather than pulling the sheets off the bed & immediately remaking it, I am forced to wait the laundry cycle.

This usually happens on days when I’m getting a lot of things done and feeling really motivated. I’m making lists, I’m running errands, I’m cleaning things, I’m on a roll, and oh why not just wash the sheets real quick! This usually happens at some point during the day when there is sunlight streaming in my bedroom window, and it feels like the happiest place in the house and I have this moment of “oh you know what would be the best thing ever? If tonight was clean sheet night!” So I bundle everything up, put it in the washing machine, and them leave my room for the rest of the day and promptly forget about the next steps.

I’m not entirely sure how it is possible… I have great follow-through when it comes to a lot of things… but re-making my bed in a timely fashion is not one of them… Its like the sheets go in the washer and are immediately dismissed from my memory until that really unfortunate moment, usually really late at night when I finally decide I’m exhausted and need to crawl into bed in 30 seconds or less or something really bad will happen to my mind and or body, and I stumble back into the once sunshine filled room to discover a mound of pillows and blankets and things in disarray. Foiled, yet again.

Today was exactly that day. I had lists, I was motivated, there was sunshine, it was going to be an epic day. I walked the dog, put him to bed, gathered my glass of water and my laptop, and trudged off to the bedroom to tuck myself in for the night… I got to my room, big sigh, put down the computer and the water, and went out to the garage, where I had at least remembered to put the sheets into the dryer…

Back when I lived by myself, I had a few nights of utter weakness, when faced with the task of making the bed, or sleeping immediately, I took refuge on the couch. Normally I would not condone such behavior, (I mean I’m not that lazy!) but with the size of my old bedroom my bed had to be pushed up with one side entirely against a wall… which meant making the bed was actually a challenge. It always ended up being this awkward balancing body flailing thing where I had to lay my entire body out across the bed to try and tuck the sheets into the appropriate corners, and then do this sort of rolling maneuver to get my person out of the way of the sheet and where it needed to be… It was like a bed making obstacle course… and most nights I was up for the challenge… but there were a few late nights when I came home from work, and of course had forgotten the bed was unmade, and I would spend a few moments standing in the middle of the room with a look of disbelief and a posture of defeat, and then slump towards the living room dragging a blanket behind me.

Thankfully tonight isn’t one of those nights. I’m happily tucked in between the sheets, swishing my toes back and forth, relishing the fact that tonight is my favorite night. Tonight is clean sheet night.

Take what you need, and leave the rest. My morning spent fighting my yoga practice

January 19, 20131 Comment

This morning I decided I was going to get up early and head to a yoga class. Since I’ve been unemployed I’ve been trying to take a lot more classes. It helps clear my head, it helps me get inspiration for the classes I’m teaching… it’s a win win… There are days when I have to sometimes psyche myself up for a class, but once I get to the studio I’m always so glad that I went. I have never, not once, regretted going to a yoga class.

But today I was fighting my practice, I mean hard core fighting my practice… I decided last night before I went to bed that I was going to get up early no matter what and get to the studio. No matter that I’m not a morning person, no matter that I haven’t gotten out of bed before 8:30 in the last three weeks… I have been bound and determined to move my person everyday, and right now its frigidly cold in Oregon, so running isn’t as appealing as it could be. Not to mention the fact that yoga lets me be a little social, and the teacher, whom I adore, will be moving soon, so I really wanted to get a class in.

My alarm went off, I only pushed snooze twice, got up, got ready, walked the dog, and made it to class. Victory! At least victory for about 45 minutes… and then something clicked in my brain and I was just done… with 30 minutes left in class, I mentally checked out, every movement stopped feeling “right” and I got totally in my head. I even caught myself at one point doing a not so subtle eye roll… what is wrong with me? Here I am, a yoga teacher, and its not like anyone forced me to be in this class, and my mind and my body are both rejecting the movement…

As a student, and especially as a teacher I know that yoga is about leaving your Ego at the door. Its not about what the person on the next mat is doing, its about you and your practice, and meeting your practice where you are. I KNOW this… and I was repeating this to myself, as I was struggling… and why? I’m secure enough with my own person and my own body, to do my own thing in class… but there was this part of me that just kept going through the motions… (all the meanwhile eye rolling… I’m a terrible student) The practice was fighting me, and I was fighting it back rather than just surrendering and doing actually what I needed… And its not like the teacher would have cared had I just laid down on the mat and spent 30 minutes getting my mind where it needed to be… still hours later I’m sitting here thinking “why didn’t I just do that?”

I think part of it is actually that I know too much… and I often struggle with finding that perfect balance between pushing the right amount/ pushing too much. Sometimes when things are challenging, it is exactly what we need to be doing, we need to push through the fight or flight reflex and come out the other side… at least that is what I was telling myself in class today. “just keep pushing, just keep moving, its only 15 more minutes.” But why did I think it was better to keep pushing than just listening to what I needed? Again it’s the teacher in me… No, I didn’t really want to be doing Ardha Chandrasana… I didn’t want to do it at all… but rather than just taking a breath & watching the other students enjoy this beautiful pose, my inner dialog was running saying “This is maybe exactly what you need because this pose combats depression, is a mood elevator, relieves anxiety, helps you feel more balanced , and reduces stress! This pose will help you feel supported and joyful, and that is exactly what you need in your life right now…” and yet I was fighting the pose, I was scowling the whole time, I was mentally and physically ready to be done… so why didn’t I just listen to that?

I know there is a distinct difference between giving into what you need, and giving up… but I think we don’t often listen to that… At least I don’t. I don’t often say “its ok to not push today.”

Especially when it comes to yoga… Since I haven’t been “working” I’ve been trying to be more active, and working on myself… and in the past I haven’t really been called to restorative types of yoga. I have taught several restorative and gentle classes, but usually when I take a class I want it to be more active. I want to move my person…But maybe what I really need is to find a slower practice… to really settle into the relaxation and the meditation… it makes sense. Even though my days are slow… my life as I know it is kind of in chaos. I lost my job of 5 years, I lost my relationship, I’m losing my roommate, I’m stressed mentally, and financially, and it would make totally sense that really what my brain is needing is to actually slow down…

And part of me is mad that I didn’t listen to that this morning when my alarm went off… No, I don’t regret going to yoga this morning… the first 45 minutes of class were exactly what I needed… but then why didn’t I just trust my body and my mind and let the rest go? (And why am I still worked up about it hours later?) Sigh… I really need to start living “take what you need, and leave the rest”… my new mantra for at least the rest of the weekend, and hopefully beyond.

Little Things

January 17, 2013January 17, 2013Leave a comment

I’m kind of a pessimist… I really don’t mean to be, but when things get rough I tend to be more of a glass half full kind of person… I’m trying to work on this, because I know that no one wants to hang out with the Debbie Downer… and I know that it tends to bring people around me down as well… It’s a little funny actually, because one of my fatal flaws is that I want to believe the best about people… I always give the benefit of the doubt, I make excuses for people, I think that everyone out there has good intentions…even when people are being jerks I tend to give them an out and day “oh well so and so has this happening in their life right now, so he/she has every right to act that way.” But I’m pretty sure sometimes people are just jerks… I’m also pretty sure that even though I’m going through a bit of a rough time right now, I don’t want to be pessimistic Debbie downer jerk face who brings everyone around her down… so I’m trying to focus on the little joys in my life.

Someone I once knew told me that when you ask the universe for something you also need to put out there what you are thankful for… (I’m pretty sure he got this from The Secret… which I haven’t read or watched… but it seems like a reasonable thing) and he used to think about what he was thankful for while he was washing his hair. Shortly after he told me this, I started to as well… and it was a little generic, but a step in the right direction. “I’m thankful for my family, I’m thankful for my job, I’m thankful I have this person in my life, I’m thankful for my friends, that I have a place to live”etc. and it was a brief little morning reminder that life was good.

Weeks went on, and when this person was no longer in my life I switched to “I’m thankful for my family, I’m thankful for my job, I’m thankful that I met this person, even though things feel shitty right now, I’m thankful for my friends, that I have a place to live, I’m thankful for my bulldog…” etc.

A week ago I got into the shower, and had a fleeting thought that if things kept up the way they were I was going to find myself with a very short list… and so I started trying to focus on the smaller things that I was thankful for, rather than the big picture things. I’m still thankful for my family, my friends, that I have a place to live, for the trundly bulldog who recently barfed up a chunk of one of my shoes and a Christmas ornament… But my challenge to myself is to find the little everyday things that I am thankful for.

Today and everyday I’m thankful for my yoga students. Even on the days when I feel like I don’t have it in me to teach, they show up with joy, and thankfulness, and no matter what I have going on mentally or emotionally, they are always happy to see me and share a practice with me. They make me feel needed and appreciated (especially now, when I need to feel needed and appreciated) I have so much gratitude for them…

I am thankful that the Winter Daphne right off my back patio is about to start blooming…

I am thankful that I have people in my life who meet me at sports bars to drink wine, and who bring my charming little crocs of homemade peanut butter

And I’m extremely thankful that my troll of a dog slept on the couch for six hours yesterday without doing anything bad or eating anything of my roommates while I was out teaching yoga, and networking. (Victory!) I’d be more thankful if he vacuumed the house while I was gone… but still thankful that I didn’t come home to some sort of messy destroyed carnage of furniture and chewed up skivvies…

I know I’ve posted this poem before, but it seems to fit into the theme, so I’m posting it again

Untitled Poem

I tell my students “Inhale, and fill your heart with gratitude”
I think of this, as I put the quinoa on the stove
the front door open,
I can hear
the summer rain.
And isn’t it just perfect?
I want to run, barefoot into the street
to fling open my arms to the sky…
instead I stand in the doorway,
licking my beet stained fingers
and think about the bounty and
the gifts of the earth
And I too, inhale.

So this is what it is to be blessed.

Loneliness, late nights, letting go.

January 15, 20132 Comments

I go through life sometimes writing out blog posts in my head… and let me tell you, they are perfect on the first draft, and everything I want to say… then by the time I actually sit down at my computer and try to type out sentences, it all gets lost, jumbled, becomes unclear… and as a writer this is really frustrating… what is in my head isn’t translating to the page… somehow it makes me feel like I’m failing at communicating…

Right now is one of those moments… I had this entire stream of consciousness blog drafted in my head about being a night owl, loneliness, starting over, forming new dreams, letting go… and I’m really struggling right now to get it onto the page… I guess I just have to keep typing and hope that some of the issues between my brain and the keyboard will work themselves out….

I guess it is my blog, and if I want to have random snippets of thought pieced together I can…

Here is the thing about being unemployed… you get way less e-mails. In some ways this is very freeing… though if you are like me and totally addicted to your phone it makes the constant checking way less exciting…. What do you mean I only have 2 new e-mails and they are both from Pinterest? But on the bright side, it is giving me real motivation to actually read the e-mails I subscribe to. I actually open the Writers Almanac when it is delivered, and yesterday rather than just immediately junking the daily e-mail from Yoga Journal, I actually opened it and read an entire article… yay free time.

Turns out the article was all about dealing with personal crisis and the steps for dealing with it and reaching spiritual maturity… which is kind of exactly what I needed to be reading (but really the title of the email was the Awakening… no way I would have normally opened it).

There is a section in the article called “Facing the void” and as I was reading I realized that my space of transition is still really centered on my failed relationship. You’d think I’d be more lost without the job I’ve had for the past five years, because so much of my identity was wrapped up with where I worked… and yet here I am, only a week out of the job, and I’m completely ready to let it go, to move on, to start a new chapter… and yet I was only in this relationship for a brief moment, and I cannot seem to get past it… which is really unfortunate since he has already moved on… and it’s not like I’m carrying this torch expecting him to come running back… I’m too much of a realist and a cynic when it comes to love… but its more like I’m scared to let go of the person that I was in that relationship… I’m scared of moving on.

Its so hard to admit that, and to process it, and to realize that its where I am… I mean at the end of the day its not like it was the best relationship… and I’m sure part of it is a fear of being hurt again, a fear of opening up, and a fear of starting over.

Being alone doesn’t scare me… I mean yes, loneliness is a daily battle for me… but its also something that I’m pretty used to… its not crippling or overwhelming… its just kind of like a dull ache, its there and you are aware of it, but you power through. For me it is by far the worst first thing in the morning… I remember having a late night conversation with my ex about how much he hated coming home from work to an empty apartment…. I’m the opposite… I like coming home at the end of the day, settling into a routine, being able to curl up with a book, or mindless tv and just veg… I can turn my brain off, and drift off to the sounds of the snoring bulldog and something playing on Netflix… and then the morning rolls around, and I wake up, and its hits me… I’m waking up alone, starting the day alone, facing life alone. There is no one to say good morning, no first phone call, or text message, no one to share coffee with, no one to motivate you, no one to push you to be better… and eventually I suck it up, I get out of bed, I power through… but some days it is easier than others. I think this is why over the past few weeks I’ve really reverted back to my night owl tendencies… give me the late nights, and the warm bed, and the good book, and the bad tv… especially when there isn’t something concrete I have to do in the morning… I could go to bed early, and get up early… but when the night time is so comfortable, and the mornings are so hard, it just seems reasonable to stay up late, and put off the morning…

I don’t want it to sound like I have trouble getting out of bed, that I’m struggling with crippling depression or anything like that. I actually do get out of bed every day… I am productive every day, I’ve even been exercising everyday … but I am also lonely everyday…

I guess I’m bringing all of this up because for me, my job was a distraction from this… and now I have less to distract me… which is good… I’m realizing that this is a journey, and I probably have a lot of things I need to weed through, and emotions I need to deal with… I actually hate it that I’m more upset about losing a 2 month relationship than I am about losing a 5 year job… I’d like to think that the job impacted my identity way more than he did… that living away from the job will be harder than letting go of the idea of him…ok not so much the idea of him, but the idea of us…

I’m actually starting to view losing my job as a good thing… I know that in the long run it was holding me back… it was safe and secure, and there isn’t anything wrong with wanting to feel safe and secure at your job, but it was also frustrating… and I know that there were times I let it hold me back. I was constantly thinking “I love my life, I love my job, I love where I live… I just wish I had someone to share all of that with” and now without the constraints of the job, maybe I can find someone to build a life with, rather than trying to find someone who will fit into my existing life.

I’m quite sure this is the most challenging part of dating… I look at all my friends who met the people they are dating/ married to in college, and it makes so much sense, because rather than growing and maturing individually, you get to grow and mature together. You figure out what you want together, and you have the chance to cultivate your identity with another person, you make choices together, you shape your lives together… I’ve shaped my life completely 100% on my own… I’ve made my own choices, I’ve followed my own passions, and I’ve spent the last several years really discovering who I am, and making choices that have shaped my identity. I’ve been able to be selfish, because you are allowed to be a little selfish when you are a single twenty-something… and so here I am, feeling like I’m finally comfortable in my own skin, like I know what I want, what my goals are, and who I am… but I got here on my own… and it feels really challenging to be able to let someone else into that… more-so it feels challenging to be able to take someone else’s goals and dreams and passions, and try to figure out a way to entangle them with mine…and it seems a little overwhelming to hope that I will be able to find a person with their own passions and talents, and goals and dreams, and somehow figure out a way to seamlessly mesh our two lives together without completely losing ourselves… actually it seems a little overwhelming, because I did have this… I had this exactly and I’m afraid at what my odds might be for finding it again…

And now I’m just rambling… I hoped that if I kept typing my thoughts would become less jumbled, but I think the opposite is starting to happen, so I’m going to quit while I’m ahead.

I’m going to get off the couch, do a little meditating, drink the rest of my green smoothie, and head into my afternoon. I’m going to be confident, I’m going to stand up straight, I’m going to interview for a job I think I could actually be really good at, and I’m going to have dinner with my girlfriends. I’m going to take one moment at a time… and I’m going to work on me… cause at this point, what else do I have?

I laugh at what I cannot change

January 12, 2013Leave a comment

“I laugh at what I cannot change” -Dave Matthews Band

The universe has a wicked sense of humor… thankfully I do as well. It’s no secret I’ve spent the last few weeks (or better part of a month, whatever) doing a bit of wallowing… But there was starting to be light at the end of the tunnel, I was getting motivated, being less sad, less lonely ( well ok that it’s a blatant lie, but I’m trying to fake it) more motivated, and planning for my future. My main plan for getting past my breakup was going to be to throw myself 115% into my job, start planning new projects, re-organize a lot of things, open up lines of communication, and overall have a rockstar year. This wasn’t just plan A this was THE plan, the only plan… my glimpse of sanity was wrapped up almost entirely in this shiny beacon called going back to work.

So when I was let go this week rather unexpectedly, really all I could do was laugh. (ok, I also cried, but there was a bit of laughter as well). This is why you should always have a plan B. Remarkably I’m actually doing ok… yes, I’ve had overwhelming moments of sheer terror… Of course my car is way overdue for being serviced, of course my roommate is moving out at the end of the month, and let’s face it, I was stressed about my finances before all this happened… but I’m still trying to approach the situation with a sense of optimism… And I guess for now I will fake it until I make it.

Naturally I’ve had about a zillion hind-sight moments, what I could have done better at my job, what I could have done different in my relationship, what I shouldn’t have spent money on over the last few months… but that’s the thing about hindsight, it doesn’t really get you anywhere ,except for feeling shitty about yourself and the choices you have made. So I’m choosing to look forward, hopefully will learn from my mistakes… and embracing all of my past frivolous purchases, and looking forward to some extreme budgeting… (hey, at least I will look good as I fumble my way through unemployment… and there is something to be said for dressing for success).

About a million years ago, the guy I was dating broke up with me, and as he did he offered me this advice “don’t think about the what ifs, but think about what’s next” At the time, I thought it was pretty much a douche bag thing to say… (and let’s face it, when its coming from a 25 year old guy, it IS a douche bag thing) But now, 4+ years later, I’m kind of clinging to it as my new mantra… Because living in the past is easy… seeing your mistakes, wanting to re-live things, all the good and bad memories… its familiar, and easy… and totally delusional, but it can be comforting none-the-less. Especially since I’m realizing that a HUGE part of my identity was wrapped up in my job… I worked there for almost 5 years… and essentially became an adult at that place… and for the past several years I know that there is a good chance that I was somewhat stuck there… It was so much of who I was, that I was scared about what would happen if I left, and I often found myself saying “I love my job, I love where I live, I love my life… but I just wish I had someone to share all of that with”… And the truth of the matter is that when you are married to your job, and your job is at a lavender farm it’s not the best place to meet someone. (though I did actually meet someone at work… and it kinda sorta changed my life… but that is all a mute point now). Essentially, I’m realizing that it IS time for a change, it is time to get out of this comfort zone that I’ve built around myself, and it is time to start moving on… which isn’t always easy.

So here I am, throwing myself into the great unknown… telling myself to embrace the change… and it’s not even a little bit comfortable… but it also isn’t as terrifying as I thought it would be.

My gradschool application was turned in on time… I’m fairly certain my landlords (who also happen to be my parents) will not evict me if I cannot find a roommate right away/ temporarily slack on rent (they probably won’t let me go hungry either, right? Not that I have plans to take advantage of my family mind you) I’ve got connections, and some amazing friends… and in the moments when it all starts to feel a little overwhelming, I have the worlds snuggliest bulldog. He’s a little smelly, and it snores louder than any boyfriend I’ve ever had, but he pretty much loves me unconditionally, so I’ve got that going for me…

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